brave mommy

UPDATE TO PREVIOUS POST

2007-08-18T06:48:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are checking this blog, I wanted to make you aware of a prayer request on behalf of one of my very dear friends. The weekend I left Tulsa, a dear girlfriend of mine and her family were supposed to come into town to visit with me. However, on Thursday, August 2, my friend called me to tell me that she and her husband had just been informed by his doctor that it was very likely he had testicular cancer. This came as an incredible shock to all of us and they decided not to come to town, which I understood completely. On Friday, it was confirmed cancer, and my friend's husband underwent surgery the following week to remove the cancer, and is now recovering. They are still waiting to find out what further treatments he will undergo, but please if you would do so, I would ask you to pray for them. They are currently serving in deaf ministry in Arkansas and were/are in the process of moving to Thailand for further training. They have two sons, one of which is nearly just a year old, the other just turned 3. Please pray for healing for him and for strength for my friend as she is taking all of this on. Pray above all that God would be glorified in their lives as they go through this. This is just one of many health issues that seem to be plaguing them at the moment, but they are trusting God completely to work in and through all these things. I always am grateful for your prayers and know so well that God hears them. Thank you for keeping up with me. I'm going to post again soon and try to catch you up on all my sojourning adventures!

I've delayed for too long

2007-07-26T21:13:00.000-07:00

To sum it up -

My husband has joined the Army and is currently away at training, my little Allen (now 8 1/2 months old) and I have taken up the ancient practice of sojourning and are currently living with friends in Tulsa for another week or so, after which we will be leaving Tulsa, the home that I've known for nearly ten years, to stay with my parents in El Paso until the Army tells us where to go (and I can guarantee it won't be Tulsa), my stepdaughter and her son left our home a few months ago in dramatic and somewhat devastating fashion and have returned back to California, it is my husband's 42nd birthday today and he was due to take a PT (physical training) test and I still haven't heard how he did, my dear Tabitha Grace (my black-and-white cat who I've had almost as long as I've been in Tulsa) died today, one of my dearest friends (and whose house I'm living in) just got back from the Philippines today, one of my other dear friends' mothers-in-law is having health trouble, one of my dearest friends is investigating something she found in her breast, her deaf husband had a seizure a few months ago and is not allowed to drive himself around for a year, they are in the process of moving to Thailand with their two young boys next year, and are also coming to visit me the last weekend I am in Tulsa, my brother and his wife are preparing to move to New York City in October, my great-grandmother was buried in Belfast, Maine about a month ago, I'm hoping to visit my aging grandparents in Florida this October with Allen before time gets away from us, and Harry Potter's incredible story just came to an close. (The last one is not so dramatic, but it just seems to fit along with the theme of change for me right now.)

All this to say that life is going on and God is still in control. Otherwise, I don't know how I could very well endure most of the changes that life has brought and is bringing me and some of my very closest friends and family.

WOW! I really needed to get that out.

belle of the borderland ball

2007-03-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am in the west Texas town of El Paso, NOT falling in love with a Mexican girl, which I'm sure my husband and many others are thankful for. But, I am falling more in love with my little boy, who has achieved some milestones since coming down here. (By the way, the people in the picture above are my big brother Jonathan, the uncle - who as of yesterday is a big 24 years old -- geez! -- and little Allen, his nephew. Don't they look so very cute?) Little Allen has rolled over and back all by himself now and continues to sleep through the night longer as I give him opportunity to do so. He's learning to be content by himself for longer periods (but never TOO long) and is expanding his vocal horizons by covering the octaves in a few seconds (I remember Cathy warning me about this - how fun!). At first, it was hard to tell whether he was screaming in pain or just exploring his voice. But, he thought it was quite funny that I would appear out of nowhere and look worried when he made this noise, so I caught on pretty quickly. On that note, I can definitely say he enjoys talking to himself while waiting for me to come get him up from naps and will occassionally wake up an hour earlier than his normal morning wake-up time and talk himself back to sleep. He really is such a "good baby." I hate saying that, because what does that even mean, but that is all I can think of to describe his temperament. And, he is very social. He'd take a person's attention anyday over any toy and whenever he's upset, most often he can be soothed just by someone coming over and giving him some attention. He's just like his momma in this way, I think. As time goes by, he just continues to capture places in my heart I never knew existed and I catch myself many times just wanting to take in everything about him every moment of the day. Alas, that will never be reality, but being down here without so many other responsibilities has been so very refreshing for me. I have had "more time" to enjoy him and feel even more bonded to him than ever now.

As for my time down here (now that I'm done raving about my adorable son) -
It has been pretty nice. My parents are enjoying spending time with Allen and clicking pictures of him. We've had a few weird moments, but nothing too out of the ordinary. It hasn't been exactly like I expected, but every family is different, and while my dad could spend seemingly every waking moment with Allen, my mom could go either way. It's been interesting to say the least, but don't get me started.

My dad has been out of town this week training in Arizona and before he left, we celebrated my brother's upcoming birthday. It was quite fun. For those of you who don't know, my brother is a pastry chef and he works at a place here in El Paso called The Greenery (he works in what's called the Greenery Market and Bakery). He is really quite the celebrity and does so well at what he does, enjoys it, and every time I get close to his work and hear his passion for it, I just grow more proud and inspired. Well, anyways, we had dinner at the Greenery Restaurant, and it was such an experience for me. Only my brother and dad ordered something that the executive chef prepared himself and when my mom and I made comments on how the food was presented (being the "hicks" that we are), my brother thought it was so funny that he asked the executive chef to come by and see us. Not really a big deal for him, since he knows the guy, but I was really impressed to have the chef explain and show such passion for his presentation of a meal. The staff sang Happy Birthday and then we were treated to a variety of the things Jonathan prepares for dessert. I wish we had taken a picture, because I felt like royalty - the staff brought four trays, each with two different desserts. We were able to split up all the desserts and then each of us was able to have a taste of whatever we wanted! It was so fun! To top it all off, the Greenery quietly footed our bill as a gift to Jonathan. It's such an encouragement to me to see a staff that has such a high regard for not only their work, but for each other. They value each other's work and it's so obvious because all night, the interaction between him and all the staff was so genuine. And it's always a joy to see people who truly ENJOY what they do.

Also, last Saturday, I got to spend some time with my wonderful sister-in-law, Tianna. It was fun to actually get a chance to spend some time with her apart from my brother, which rarely happens since our visits to El Paso are normally so short. We went to see the movie Premonition and got to talk in the car. I would never have guessed the girl could talk like she did (this is not to say anything bad about her at all, in fact just the opposite, but you must understand that when my brother is around, he pretty much dominates a conversation) and I enjoyed getting to know more about her.

This week has been pretty quiet, since my mom has gone back to work after spring break and my dad is out of town. My brother's actual birthday was yesterday and I made Betty Crocker cupcakes. My brother says I can't lay any claim to them since they came from a box. I understand.

I also had to learn to drive a stick shift again, which I was extremely nervous about. It was either relearn stick, walk everywhere, try to ride the bus, or stay home. Desperation played a big role. But, my first time out with my dad last Saturday went pretty well and I didn't stall the car out once. Yeah me!!!

Please pray for my mom - she is having foot surgery next Tuesday and will be home recovering. It's nothing too serious, but she has been suffering pain from a hammer toe and bunnions and has finally decided to have something done about them before the condition gets much worse.

I have to admit the days have been kind of long, since I am temporarily Allen's only caregiver. I'm so spoiled by my husband - he normally takes the last and first feedings of the day, so I can sleep, rest, and have some "metime" - but it hasn't been too bad, either. I miss hubby and I know he misses us. I will definitely look forward to that little extra sleep, rest, and space when I get back.

Speaking of which, now would be an excellent time for me to go to bed. (And, I don't care what Blogger says, this blog post was completed around 1 in the morning.)

only the beginning

2007-02-05T13:35:00.000-08:00

There they are - three of the most important women in my life. From left to right, my great-grandmother Avis, my mother, and my grandmother Betty. This picture was taken a little over three years ago, in September of 2003 - the year I was married and the year my brother graduated from college as a pastry chef. It was the last great family vacation (a big one, truly) before my brother and I married our spouses and was definitely two weeks I will not soon forget. This was also the last time I got to visit at all with my great-grandmother, whose house was sold the next summer when she was moved to a nursing home in Florida.

I remember talking to my parents the weekend before they went to visit her that summer the house was sold. No one had shared with me that the house I had made so many summer memories in was being sold. I only found out by accident and I was crushed! I couldn't believe there would be no more memories of my own, my children or any of my family for that matter made within those precious walls. And, I couldn't believe my great-grandmother was being moved from the home she had lived in for so long. It turned out it was only the beginning of the end for Grammy.

And, so I have some very sad news to share. While my little baby boy's life is just beginning, another one very dear to me has come to its earthly end. My great-grandmother, Avis Bradstreet, passed away two Tuesday evenings ago at the age of 93 in her nursing home in Florida. Her condition, primarily Alzheimer's, had been progressively worsening and was complicated by a fall she took that broke her hip in the latter part of last year. She wasn't getting around much due to this complication and because of her Alzheimer's, she didn't have memory of anyone except my grandmother, who visited her everyday. She was in a lot of pain, was on a lot of medication which made her sleepy most of her days, and wasn't eating well. About a month ago when I talked to my grandmother, I had a feeling her end was coming soon. From what my grandmother shared with me, the nurses said she went fast and just passed away in her sleep.

I remember my great-grandmother with so much love! And, it has been so hard to know she is in pain and see her body deteriorate over the past few years. Until I moved to Tulsa and really started to call this place home, hers was the one our entire family referred to whenever we said home. Whenever we visited her, I could hardly wait to turn onto Bayview Street, see that sea-green house, and her coming out to meet us. I have another post brewing about her house because the house alone just conjures up so many memories for me. But for now, I just want to share that -

Within the walls of my great-grandmother's house, I

Spent many summers with my family
Received many hand-me-down nightgowns from my grandmother (the kind that were perfect for twirling around and feeling all girly in-oh, they were so very beautiful!)
Watched my grandmother live out her faith
Watched her read My Daily Bread every morning
Watched her enjoy solving a great crossword (and when I got older, I even tried to help and really thought my grandmother had to be very smart to finish something so difficult)
Sat around the table in her huge kitchen and shared meals with my family
Helped her clean
Explored her house (she really had a huge house!)
Played hide-and-go-seek with my brother
Listened to the sound of the water coming in on the beach on those summer nights
Snuggled with my Grammy in her humongous king bed and watched Johnny Carson late at night, which always made me feel really special (and remember, late night on the east coast is REALLY late)
Upset my grandmother when my brother and I would fight
Learned how to make coffee
Discovered dentures for the first time
Teased my great-grandmother about her precious New England accent - "Spahkle papeh towels"
First learned what it means to lead a life well lived and that you don't have to accomplish "huge" things by the world's standards to make a difference
Learned the beauty of stillness
Was my great-grandmother's sweet pea
Always hated to leave
And always got so excited to see that sea green house on Bayview Street that was home to the dearest grandmother my life has ever known!

I loved my Grammy and will miss her dearly. I’m excited that her life beyond this earth is beginning and sad that she is no longer here. Her love has forever etched its mark on my life and her legacy will be shared with my children and beyond. In the words of Mercy Me, truly, "I've never been more homesick than now."

some thoughts on new mommyhood in no particular order

2007-01-25T13:51:00.000-08:00

Look at that handsome, happy little man! I don't think you could find a mother more in love at this very moment (well, I might know a few who would say otherwise). Kyle, you asked me a while back how I was liking motherhood. And, I said I liked it, but didn't love it all the time. And, at that moment, I don't think I was loving it as much as I was frustrating my way through it. Well, I'm loving it more everyday. Truly. I still don't love it in the way I thought I would, but here the difference still is that my heart can't seem to contain all the love that I have for this little boy. Eventually, I think I will love most of it. It is certainly more enjoyable than what I was doing before I was a mom and that is saying something. But, how could you possibly love every minute of parenting? I'm not looking forward to disciplining and learning to let go. Wah! So, it really is getting better. And, just between me and all of you, after wanting a girl so badly, it's so fun and precious to have this little boy in my life. I can't imagine having had a girl now. Isn't that just the greatest?

I've been recording little things in a journal for him (and myself) about his first few months and years of life. It's been so much fun! Just over the past few weeks he has been smiling and cooing so much more. His hands have even found his mouth and they are having lots of fun getting acquainted. He is a great listener, especially when mommy is reading or singing to him. I think he has gained my morning temperament, because he is always so very happy in the morning. It's like he looks at daddy and I and says, "Wow! It's been such a long time since I've seen you and I had almost forgotten how fun you guys are and now I'm SO glad to see you!" My favorite time of the day has become that time in between his first feeding and his first nap - he is the most alert and just smiles his precious head off, coos, and gets so excited to have mommy's attention. We really have so much fun together!

On a more serious note, two other mommys' words have returned to my head most often during these days of mommyhood initiation. One very recently just encouraged me and reminded me that I am Allen's mom - simple and yet profound for a new mother, believe me. Whether it feels like it or not, I, my husband, and God, know our son better than anyone else, and I can be confident in knowing that between the three of us, we can do what's best for Allen and our family. Something like that, while very encouraging, also requires a certain amount of courage to accept the realization that while many parents can give lots of great advice and share ideas, it's not always going to work for us the way it did for them and definitely that there is hardly ever a magic solution. Darn! It's hard work being a parent and sometimes, as I've come to realize very quickly, we're just going to have to find our own way through each situation and see what WILL work for us. Along with these thoughts, I am reminded of something another mommy and friend wrote in the months before I even became pregnant with Allen. You can read what she wrote here. When I read it at the time, I knew that I was being given a gift and that no matter when I had children, I would always remember what she had said and how very grateful I was to hear it before having kids. In a nutshell, it's the truth that I am never going to be all that my child needs. This has been especially encouraging when Allen is crying and nothing I'm doing is helping him to calm down. It's then that I remember what this mommy said and just pray for God to give peace to my little baby. Mind you, I will still pick him up and comfort him as best I can, but when it is not working, I put him down - mostly for my own sanity. He knows I'm there, but I have come to realize that sometimes, there will be nothing I can do to soothe his crying and it is ok to put him down.

At this moment, I finally feel like I am getting into a clear, but flexible routine with Allen and it is so refreshing! A friend commented yesterday that I seem more at peace and calm than I was even a few weeks ago. Well, yes, that is quite true. It's taken a lot longer than I thought it would to get settled into a stable routine and to just let go of my expectations of what I think the days of motherhood should look like and how they should go. But, through my son's eyes, I am learning to savor every moment. For him, everyday holds its own adventures, smiles, tears, poopy diapers, spitting up, the wonder of discovering something new to gaze at, familiar words to read and hear, new songs to learn and enjoy, new people to meet, moving arms and legs about in new ways, trying out dance moves in the bouncy seat, and of course, lots of nuzzling and cuddling with Mommy, Daddy, and big sister, all to name a few...... What a life!

Well, this is probably the most unorganized piece of writing I've done in a long time. I think it has something to do with the drain on my brain - Allen is taking all the good that's left of my brain and sucking it right out. I guess I can be grateful at least someone will get some use out of it. Just kidding. Sort of.

too sweet

2006-12-18T14:52:00.000-08:00

OK, as the first (well, maybe second) act of reconnecting with the blogging world, I thought I would post this too sweet picture taken by Ashley Hopper of me and my precious baby boy, Allen. She is a wonderful photographer and captured this beautiful moment at our home a couple Sundays ago. Go ahead, you have my permission to ooh and aah. I know he's beautiful. And, by the way, if you live in the Tulsa area, I highly recommend having Ashley take some pictures of you and yours. We had a lot of fun with her, she was extremely patient with our baby and his babyness (you know, being fussy, hungry, and altogether, well, baby), very laidback and not in a hurry, and just had some great ideas for pictures.

Thanks, Ashley for the beautiful captured moments of our new little one! This one is my very favorite!

Our baby boy!

2006-12-16T13:18:00.000-08:00

Hello all! For those of you who have held on and been checking this blog, here is the news you've been waiting patiently for -

Jerry Allen Granville was born on

November 7, 2006 @ 12:13 pm,

6 pounds, 14 ounces and was

20 1/2 inches long

I was in labor for 7 hours and never received an epidural (which God certainly has all the glory for by providing me with a high tolerance for pain, some great determination and perseverance, and some great encouragement from my wonderful husband, my two Lauras, and my amazing nurse, Carissa! Thank you, Father!). It was truly the most incredible thing to go through and thinking about that day just brings tears to my eyes. God is really soooooooooo good and I still can't believe I have this incredible miracle to call my son!

I'm hoping to get back to the blogging world soon and am looking forward to catching up with you all. I hope you all are doing well and enjoying Christmastime - it's my absolute favorite time of the year and it seems everyday brings an overflowing appreciation of the gift that Christ is to me. This year has definitely brought a new perspective to understanding Christmas for me, but that is another post for another day.

Anyways.......

Let me know how you are - I'd love to hear from you!

I'll see you virtually soon! Thanks to those of you who are still with me! God bless!

it's been a while, part 2

2006-09-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

This post has been nearly two weeks in the making and it’s still no easier to write. Prepare yourself for a VERY long post.

It’s hard when relationships come to an end - especially ones that have taken up nearly seven years of your life. Friday, September 15, 2006 @ 5:00, I left my job with Family & Children's Services for the last time to become a full-time stepmommy, stepgrandmommy, homemaker, and in the very near future, my own kid’s mom. It was a wonderful and bittersweet moment for me.

I was only 20 years old when I started work with Family & Children's Services. I had only been in Tulsa a little over a year, had just been let go from one job that I had been at for almost a year, and was believing that God was going to provide something more permanent for me – with health insurance and other benefits. It’s quite a story, actually. I was without a job for nearly three weeks and had just applied with another temporary agency when I decided to attend Faithweek (my church’s summer youth camp) as a volunteer in the kitchens. My parents thought I was nuts and didn’t understand my faith at that time. Something in my gut and heart told me that God could accomplish more in one week without my help in providing a job for me than I could. There was a peace that seemed to assure me that God had everything under control with my job and financial situation and that I needed to go to Faithweek. I also remember feeling very called to go to Faithweek and God had provided a way for me to go by allowing me to be let go from my job (they certainly weren’t going to let me off for a week and allow me to return as a temp). So, I trusted Him with everything within me and went to Faithweek. When I returned, the temp agency called me the following Monday and told me they had an assignment for me at a place called Family & Children's Services. I started the next day and was hired on permanently on September 22, 1999. I can’t imagine how different the outcome might have been if I had stayed in Tulsa from Faithweek that year and had spent that time looking for a job on my own. It was truly an answer to prayer for me.

Over my seven year tenure with Family & Children's Services, I obtained my first vehicle for $50 (via an employee who saw my need for one and connected me with someone who had what I needed), made many new friends, celebrated life with those who got married and had babies, got married and changed my name myself, still have a celebration planned for next Friday to share in the joy of my new baby’s life with them, celebrated the pursuits and ambitions of those who moved on, shared sorrows and joys with many co-workers, suffered when some were fired, and now - it has all come to an end. Well, the work at least.

And, to be honest, there's a huge burden that has been lifted from my heart and life by this job coming to an end. I haven't been happy at this job for nearly two years and it has been one of the longest and hardest times I've endured, maybe needlessly. I've struggled between right and wrong, staying or not staying, whether I'm being faithful in staying or faithful if I left, about being faithful while I'm still there, and trying to voice my concerns to those in the positions to hear and make things happen towards change in the company.

A few weeks ago, my boss sat down with me seriously and we had one of the most heartfelt and difficult talks I've ever had with her. It was actually kinda weird. I've never felt any sympathy from her when it comes to feeling overwhelmed at work (probably because everyone at the company is overwhelmed), but I really felt like she was sympathetic to me as just another person. I had made some mistakes and fallen behind one time too many and in essence, she had reached her limit. I tried to explain that I had approached her many times before and expressed my feeling overwhelmed, but to no avail. And, as to other things, she wasn't even looking for an explanation. She knew my intention was to leave when the baby came and not return to my job, so she asked me to resign two months ahead of schedule. She said she wanted me to enjoy my last two months of my pregnancy and to not be concerned with work, but taking care of myself and the baby. She, herself, had gestational diabetes during her pregnancy, and was very sympathetic to the toll it is slowly taking on me. At the end of my time with her that day, I felt sad, more than a little anxious, and a little relieved that this long, bittersweet time of my life was finally coming to an end. I have to admit it's been even harder to want to go to work knowing that the end is coming. I just wanted it to be over. And, now - it is.

And where is God in all of this? Well, He was in the beginning of it, He was there all the way through it, He was there in the end taking care of me, baby, and insurance, He is in the relationships that will last far longer than the job ever did, He is there in the love and attachment that I feel to so many, He is in the memories that have been made, in all the laughter, the tears, He was there teaching me faithfulness and integrity and working to perfect me even when I was faithless and disobedient, He is in all the grace I feel for having been part of this company for as long as I was, and He is in all the things that have yet to be revealed and understood.

I'm going back next Friday for a baby shower that they have planned for me. It may be a little awkward, but possibly not. Some people don't even know yet that I'm gone and will be surprised come Monday morning. That makes me sad. Some people surprised me by their well wishes and heartfelt words of thanks and happiness for me. You just don't always know how much one life can touch another, I guess. I know there are some people I will have to call to let them know the baby has arrived and I know I will be returning many times to visit and show off the baby once he's born. They like that. They prefer not to have to hunt you down to see and hold the baby.

So, the work is over, but life and relationships go on.

I'm really looking forward to the next two months and the years after the baby is born. I cannot wait to be my kid's mom! It's something I always knew I wanted to be and now, the time has finally come for this chapter to be opened and written.

I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come

every season

2006-09-05T10:55:00.000-07:00

Days like today – the whisper of fall in the cooler air and even in the way the sun shines, the beginning of trees shedding their summer-kissed leaves, being able to drive with the windows down and breathe it all in – it all just sings a beautiful love song to me of God, of hope, and of my favorite time of the year on the way. It makes me want to cry for joy and makes me so very thankful that my first child will be born in the fall. I would give a thousand summers to live just perpetually in the fall, winter, and spring seasons. Days like today just make me thankful to be alive. And, it kinda leads well into what my next post is going to be about. I've entered a season of fall in one area of my life where one chapter is ending and spring is about to blossom in another area and a whole new life is about to arrive - literally! Joy and a little sorrow comingled.

It all reminds me of a song by one of my favorite singers and it should come as no surprise who it is – Nichole Nordeman.

The song is called Every Season and needs no explanation or interpretation. Enjoy!

Every evening sky, an invitation, to trace the patterned stars
And early in July, a celebration, for freedom that is ours
And I notice you in children's games
In those who watch them from the shade
Every drop of sun is full of fun and wonder
You are summer

And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time
Forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside
Still I notice you when change begins
And I am braced for colder winds
I will offer thanks for what has been and what's to come
You are autumn

And everything in time, and under heaven, finally falls asleep
Wrapped in blankets white, all creation, shivers underneath
And still I notice you when branches crack
And in my breath on frosted glass
Even now in death you open doors for life to enter
You are winter

And everything that new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
And what was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with you, and how you make me new
With every season's change
And so it will be as you are recreating me

Summer autumn winter spring

it's been a while, part 1

2006-09-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

Well, I realize it’s been a long time since I wrote anything on here. I’ve been kinda struggling. I’m just tired of having not-so-fun things to write about because I realize everyone has stuff going on and what is my stuff compared to everyone else’s? And for those of you who don’t like to read long posts, well, you know who you’re dealing with. I’ve hardly ever written a short post in my life, so I’ll just get on with it already.

In the past few days, my life has changed dramatically. No, the baby hasn’t been born yet or anything (I wouldn’t dare not tell anyone at Rivendell about something that big!), but simple things like eating and drinking and bigger things like work versus staying home have added some stress (and a little joy!) to my life these past few days and I can’t keep it all to myself anymore.

Over the past four weeks, I have taken some tests that any mother-to-be takes – the glucose screening test and most often, the 3-hour glucose tolerance test/challenge. Well, I flunked them both – miserably. I was most upset when I found out I had flunked the tolerance test and knew that I was going to be dealing with gestational diabetes. However, I tend to want to stay positive and see it as a new opportunity to trust Him more, so I just resolved, “Alright, God, we’re going to do this. Whatever I have to do I just have to do it and the rest is in Your hands.”

So, this past Monday, I went to see the dietician, picked up my meter, and got educated on how I need to eat, what I need to eat, how often I need to eat, anything you could think of relating to eating – I learned it! I really enjoyed my visit and meeting with the dietician and felt relieved when I left. I called my doctor’s office to ask them to call in a prescription for my test strips and lancets and went to get me some lunch. Two hours after lunch, I took my second blood sugar testing and was discouraged to see that it was elevated – I was sure I had followed everything the dietician had told me, so I was kind of upset. A few hours later, I was telling myself, “It’s ok. It’s your first day. It’s going to take a few days for your blood sugar to even out. CHILL!” Then, my husband and I went to the pharmacy before dinner to pick up my prescriptions, which included my prenatal vitamins and all my diabetes stuff. The price of the strips about knocked me over and I got discouraged again – “This diabetes diet isn’t even going to work and we’re going to pay all this money for these strips just to find out my blood sugar won’t level out!” I actually broke down crying as quietly as I could in the Wal-Mart store and put some things back that I felt like, “You know what? I just don’t need this stuff.” And I felt like my life as I knew it was over (I can really make things seem bigger than they are, I know). My poor husband didn’t know what to do. I was just so discouraged that first day.

These are the moments I feel like I really forget to trust God and allow the circumstances around me to seem bigger than they are and more importantly, bigger than Him. What are test strips and lancets to Him? Does He sympathize with what I’m going through? Undoubtedly yes! Is He worried about how we’re going to pay for the testing supplies or that the diet might not work? Absolutely not. Please, Lord, increase my faith to NOT WORRY!

Since Monday, my blood sugar numbers have leveled out – Praise the Lord for that! – and my OB is very happy with them as well since she expected them to be a lot higher after looking at my tolerance test results, which were pretty ominous. Actually, my appointment yesterday with my OB was one of the most positive I’ve had so far. Even though my pregnancy has developed some complications, it’s a relief to hear that my OB feels they’re being managed well. I can’t thank God enough for my OB – she is so positive, down to earth, and will still tell me like it is that I just am very thankful for her! I joked with her that pretty much all I think about everyday now is drinking enough water, what I’m going to eat at meals/snacks, and checking my blood sugar. She told me, “Janine, you’re in the home stretch now - not much longer. Just hang in there and keep doing what you’re doing! You’re doing great!” Isn’t she great?!

And, I’m still holding at only five pounds gained. I don’t imagine I’ll gain anymore and may even lose some now that I’m eating every few hours and am very limited on my carbs. My OB doesn’t sound concerned about me losing weight as long as I’m not feeling hungry and getting enough to eat.

So, that’s just part one. The rest is actually harder to talk about, but I’ll get to it soon.

re-reading Harry Potter

2006-08-16T12:28:00.000-07:00

Well, in commemoration of having read the first five books in the series of Harry Potter last August, I started re-reading them again this August. Since I found I couldn't put them down and read them through very quickly the first time, I'm sort of taking my time this year. I just finished the first one this weekend. That's a whole week longer than last year. By this time last year, I was already working on the third book. I admit, I was a little obsessed.

Well, anyways.... as some of you may know, the former title of my blog was where God can be found and I had named it so, in part, because of Harry Potter. God met me in some ways while I was reading these books that I completely did not expect..... First of all, if you had asked me a year ago before August to read Harry Potter, I would have looked at you like you were asking me to eat worms. All that I had heard gave me the terrible impression that anyone who read Harry Potter was evil. I was really a mess. A good friend, whose judgment I completely trusted, convinced me she had read them and was no worse off than before. So, I started reading them, just to see what the hype was all about. And, as you can tell by the first paragraph of this post, I became a "Harry Potter believer" in just a few short weeks..... So, back to the many ways God met me in the story of this wizard boy. It was in reading Harry Potter and sharing my experience of reading it with this friend that I came to realize the passion for story and words that God has placed within me. I also began to realize more clearly that I spent a lot of time reading these books and did not spend as much time or find as much joy in reading God's own word. I distinctly remember not having so much a sense of condemnation as a sense of sadness that I was missing out on sharing in a much bigger and more significant story than Harry Potter could ever be. God used these books to draw me back to His story and to rid me of some old, crippling hang-ups I had about "quiet times." He also showed me the beauty of the tension that comes from being in the world and not of it - enjoying and sharing the gifts God has given us, but not making them idols above Himself. I had to repent many times for what I could see becoming more important than God while reading these books. And, of course, I was deeply moved by the friendships that the main characters shared - good times and bad. Friendships, loyalty, and bravery are all things that seem to move me very deeply. There are also definite spiritual themes that I can see playing out in these stories. There is talk about love and how the shedding of blood protects Harry and of course, the battle between a definite good and evil and many themes revolving around both aspects of the fight. There are also two resounding elements of death and power which saturate the darker plots of the story.

I really enjoy these books and hopefully, this time around, I can spend a little more time taking them in (and living within that tension I talked about) and also doing what I love - exploring some of the themes of these stories in my own words and sharing a little bit of my passion for them with you. And, if you haven't read these books before, I'm giving you fair warning that in talking about them, I may give some of the story away. So if you think you'll ever read the books and don't want to know anything ahead of time, don't read my coming posts about Harry Potter!

For the moment, here are some quotes that I loved from the book, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, this time around -

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."

"Harry - you're a great wizard you know."
"I'm not as good as you," said Harry....
"Me!" said Hermione. "Books! And cleverness! There are more important things - friendship and bravery..."

"Your mother died to save you. If there is one thing Voldemort cannot understand, it is love. He didn't realize that love as powerful as your mother's for you leaves its own mark. Not a scar, no visible sign...to have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever. It is in your very skin...."

"There are all kinds of courage. It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends...."

I Miss my Brain

2006-08-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

*** I thought this picture was perfect to go along with this little poem I wrote below. When I first told a good friend of mine how much I was missing my brain, she said I probably wouldn't be seeing it again - ever! So, I'm waiting patiently for the pitch black! ***

Oh brain how I’ve missed your ever-thoughtful self these days!
Our relationship just hasn’t been the same since baby’s been on the way.
Absentmindedness, not focus has been my strength of late
I admit the will to fight the memory drain is hard to motivate.

I first noticed your absence one day when I got to work without my keys
And went hunting through the office, praying to find them – “Please, God please!”
How was I to know they were safely tucked at home?
Just where little hands can’t take them off to roam.

And you weren’t there the time I went hunting twice through my purse
For something sitting right in front of me – someone get me a nurse!
And what about the time that Friday right around ten
I just know I was supposed to be somewhere – where were you then?

I find myself stepping into a room and confusedly looking around
What did I come in here for, I wonder – but the answer cannot be found
And driving’s not looking any better these days.
Forget the road rage - I just drive aimlessly in a haze.

Oh brain, how I miss you!
My sweet holder of memory, how I need you!

Please come back and release me from this prison of forgetfulness
So I can get back to my former life of usefulness
Otherwise, I’m afraid of what may happen when baby’s finally here
And I forget to change his diaper and he’s crawling around with a poopy rear!

my mom and faith

2006-08-15T08:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I gave in this weekend - just decided to call my mom and end the standoff. By the way, I think I'm the only one who thought it was a "standoff."

I spoke first with my brother and while I was encouraged in what I needed to do, I was discouraged in something else. My brother kind of reinforced what I really already knew and that is that I can't wait for my parents to take the initiative and call me. Sad, but true. Almost four weeks had gone by and neither of us had called the other. I had been waiting to give them the chance to take the initiative, but it wasn't happening. So, I decided I would just call them, keep them updated, and see how they were doing.

Before we hung up, however, my brother said something to me that just broke my heart. We were talking about my mom, which is part of the reason I called him before calling her on Sunday. Let me just explain without saying too very much that my mom has been diagnosed with a serious mental illness. She has been in counseling for almost eight years and is on medication, which is constantly changing (dosage or new medication altogether). Sometimes, conversations with my mom can go very well and other times, like ones I've previously mentioned, not so much. You honestly never know what kind of mood you might find her in. I realize that can be true for really all of us, but with my mom it's just way different. I'm learning that my best bets for catching her on a good day are Sundays - she hasn't been at work, she's had, hopefully, a day to rest, and is generally pretty happy. Well, in talking about my mom, my brother said basically that he believes my mom will never get better and even went so far as to say she is getting worse, not better.

Even writing this, I just want to cry. Because not only do I have a mom who is suffering and is generally miserable, but I have a brother who doesn't believe she can or will get better. I got off the phone with my brother and looked at my husband and was just like, how can he even say something like that? Do we believe in the same God? I guess I just feel or believe differently here. Because whether my mom gets better or not won't keep me from praying for God to heal her or from believing that she can and will get better. I believe in a God who does the seemingly impossible and gives me every reason to hope the best.

Where do I find the faith and hope to believe these things? Check out Hebrews 11, particularly verse 13 -

"All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance."

Others have faithfully waited even unto death for what God had promised; in my mind, they waited and believed for greater things than I!

And because of the faith and hope God has placed within me, I'd rather live my entire life praying for God to heal my mom than to live one day thinking that she can't or won't get better. It doesn't mean that I won't accept my mom as she is while I'm in relationship with her or that I won't encourage her, but it does mean that I am not accepting things as they currently are as the final answer. God has the final say.

Thank you, God, for giving us the hope and faith to believe the seemingly impossible and to see You more clearly in all of the circumstances you place us in!

And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
James 5:15-16

sing over me

2006-08-08T13:14:00.000-07:00

WOW! First I have to say I can't believe I've passed the 100 days to go mark! Woo-hoo! Not much longer!

This CD to the left is truly a gift I feel is right from God's own heart to my own. Since I've been pregnant, the one verse and thought that continues to come to my mind is Zephaniah 3:17 and the thought that I so desire God to sing over me and baby. Most of all, I want desperately for God to sing peace over all of my being and for the peace of Christ to become my own.

This particular CD is a compilation project of some of the contemporary Christian women artists (four of which are mothers themselves) I enjoy the most, including Nichole Nordeman! Yeah!

One thing Nichole Nordeman writes in the CD enclosure, which I have yet to experience but seems to echo with stories from those I've talked with, is this -

"....Nobody thinks about worshipping in a rocking chair at 3 am. But this is the reality of motherhood.... stealing away with God one moment at a time, not so much for the desire of being heard and seen, but more for the rare chance to listen."

I've been listening to this CD here at work today and it's very soothing, peaceful, and just precious. It has some familiar worship songs, intentionally recorded with gentle arrangements, on it like How Great is Our God, Here I Am to Worship, Hold on to Jesus, We Fall Down, and Jesus Loves Me. There are also some new ones I already love and I'm looking forward to rocking my little boy to sleep, whether at 3 am or 7 in the evening, to this music. And I look forward to singing over him words of worship to praise the God who sent the precious little gift of him to me.

The other thing which I just thought was so very cool is that when I opened the CD case, it had the words of Zephaniah 3:17 inside. I about cried! God truly loves to give his daughters and sons good gifts!

beautiful photo

2006-08-03T10:34:00.000-07:00

Isn't this an incredibly beautiful picture? It's apparently called a nacreous cloud and was seen some 20 km above a science station in Antartica. Man, it's just beautiful! I'd love to see some of these incredible clouds in person and I've always wanted to see the Northern Lights, although this is something completely different.

Enjoy!

another song

2006-08-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I've just got songs running through my head today.

I heard the following song on my way home late last night from my girlfriend's house and it always just gets me. It's a very simple song, but I love it.

When I heard it for the first time, I really felt like it could have been written by my husband just for me. There's just something about him that lets me know I'm the very most important person in the world to him. Maybe it's when he waits up for me after midnight just to make sure I get in alright. Or maybe it's when he tells me he loves me for no particular reason a million times a day. Or maybe it's all the times he's gone back out for something that we forgot and didn't realize it was missing until we got home. I don't know. It's all the little things, all the hugs and kisses, and all the times he makes time to just talk with me that let me know that even though it seems to the world, I may be just another girl - to him, I am the world. (And yes, I'm a country music junkie.)

The World, by Brad Paisley

To the teller down at the bank
You're just another checking account
To the plumber that came today
You're just another house
At the airport ticket counter
You're just another fare
At the beauty shop at the mall
Well you're just another head of hair
Well that's alright, that's ok
If you don't feel important, honey
All I've got to say is

Chorus:
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

To the waiter at the restaurant
You're just another tip
To the guy at the ice cream shop
You're just another dip
When you can't get reservations
'Cause you don't have the clout
Or you didn't get an invitation
'Cause somebody left you out
That's alright, that's ok
When you don't feel important honey
All I've got to say is

Chorus:
To the world
You may be just another girl
But to me
Baby, you are the world

You think you're one of millions but you're one in a million to me
When you wonder if you matter, baby look into my eyes
And tell me, can't you see you're everything to me

I will stand

2006-08-01T09:02:00.000-07:00

Last night, after what felt like the worst downer day I’d had in a long time, I got to spend some much-needed girl time with my best friend. Man, I love that girl! I just can’t tell you how many times I’ve needed a friend and she’s ALWAYS been there. She is truly a blessing straight from the Lord. I know that because of her friendship, I have a better understanding of Christ as my friend. I am so thankful for her!

Well, we were doing one of the things we love most – getting ready for a road trip. Remember, we’re going to see Rascal Flatts this weekend???!!! And, as with ANY road trip, there is LOTS of music involved. We’ve tried for a few weeks to get together to burn mixed CD’s for the three of us that are going and last night, we finally did it! We had so much fun – picking out the songs and mixing them up before burning the CD’s. You’d think by all the Rascal Flatts' songs on the CD’s that we were, like, big fans or something. Well, there’s a song on the new Rascal Flatts’ CD that we included on our mixed ones that just describes pretty well how I feel today, considering what I wrote about yesterday. It’s called Stand. I can’t wait to hear it in person. Here are the lyrics -

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright

Chorus:
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place

God has never failed to pull me up from the lowest points in my life and I know with His help, His wisdom, His understanding, and His peace, it will be no different this time. When I think that the purpose is unclear to me, I have to remember that it's so very clear to Him and that what He most wants from me is to trust Him and continue to follow Him in the midst of all the uncertainty. I was praying for this very thing - more faith, a more mature faith - as I was driving to pick up my husband from work yesterday. And God is so good, because in the midst of it all, His gentle voice is reminding me to trust Him, is reminding me that I'm not alone, and that He will never leave me.

I will stand - on His words, on His love, on the most solid Rock I've come to know.

that lonesome feeling

2006-07-31T08:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it seems my mom and I have had a setback. And after I thought things were going so well.

The day of my last ultrasound, I called a few of my good friends to relate the good and bad news about the baby and to ask for prayer. I thought I'd just call my mom real quick and let her know what was going on. The conversation didn't go well and was pretty brief. When I tried to just quickly tell her what was going on, she yelled at me. I hung up in tears and felt everything I had tried to hold together that day just went out the window. I really felt I needed my mom in that moment and she was "emotionally unavailable."

My mom called me back about ten minutes later and promptly informed me that things were not the best for her right now - she's working ten hour days at work and still having to go in on the weekend to do her own work - and I told her that I completely understood and I was sorry things were so hard for her right now. She told me that I would just have to deal with her this way. She asked what was up and after telling her what was going on, it seemed like she hadn't even heard me because she acted like everything was fine and that there was no reason for me to be calling her. Since that day, I haven't talked to her and I've been advised by a few close friends not to call her until the baby is born. It's not sounding like a bad idea.

I gotta tell you that it all gets old and wears on me after a while.

It's hard enough to be so far away for birthdays, some holidays and especially now, when I'm pregnant and feel like I need my parents closer to me more than ever. My dad just celebrated his 50th birthday yesterday, my mom will celebrate hers on September 6, they've been married 30 years this year and are going to be first-time grandparents, but it just seems that we can't get our relationship together. So much joy and pain all at once it seems. I'm sure Jesus must have felt this way on His way to the cross, but at least His purpose was clear. The purpose in all of this is still unclear to me and yet life just keeps going - relationships remain unhinged, time passes, a baby grows, ultrasounds happen, dinner gets made each night, people go to work, bills get paid, appointments are kept, medicine is taken, life happens.

Since I moved here, I've been reminded so many times that it was I who chose to move so far away from my family. OK. Fine. But, for being the one that moved away, I spend a lot of time trying to stay connected with them and sometimes, I just don't know if it's worth it. It's not like I've been keeping score on who calls who how many times, but it hurts after so many years that even now I get yelled at just for calling at the wrong time. Why does it have to be so hard? I feel like I'm constantly apologizing for my mom's hangups.

All this leaves a pregnant mommy-to-be feeling kinda lonely, neglected, and fairly overwhelmed. I'm sure it shows, too. (Although my friends are all wonderful, keep up with me, and in so many tangible ways have become my family.) I even dreamt about writing this blog. So weird.

And you know what else just really aggravates and hurts me? My parents have talked about helping us out financially over the past few months, but honestly no amount of financial help they want to offer us can make up for the emotional loneliness I feel.

movieng thoughts

2006-07-28T09:35:00.000-07:00

The movie I went to see yesterday by myself was Lady in the Water by M. Night Shymalan. I decided to see it by myself because I knew neither my stepdaughter nor my husband were very interested in seeing it and I really wanted to see it. I'm really a quiet, big fan of this particular director and storyteller. My favorite movie of his was Signs as of the day before yesterday.

Without giving too much away, I just have to say I loved it! Though it isn't epic like Lord of the Rings or The Chronicles of Narnia, it still has very big and inspiring ideas. The movie itself revolves around an ancient story and how the characters of the movie become characters in the ancient story. Hmm. Sounds a little familiar. There are moments of redemption, moments of setback, and moments where the person you would least expect to play a major role in the action does. There are ongoing conversations about purpose all throughout the movie - how to determine who plays what purpose, the temptation to arrogance of assuming a particular role or that one person knows everyone else's purposes, doubting your purpose, embracing your real purpose, and acting on it. There are both good and evil forces at work and an underlying message about the human condition as a whole. It's particularly relevant when you think of all that's going on in the world right now.

Overall, I really enjoyed it. I'll probably see it again and/or buy it when it goes to DVD.

On another note, I've been seeing lots of previews for the new World Trade Center movie. Although a part of me wants to see it, I don't know if I'll be able to sit through it. As it is, the tears just fall down my face everytime I see the previews. For me, the pain of that day is still so fresh in my mind. And if it's still fresh in my mind, I can't imagine how it feels for all those who were more personally affected by the events of that day. When I think of all the brave men and women of the emergency departments and probably some bystanders who went into those towers and put their lives on the line just doing what they do everyday for all the people who were trapped inside and remember the sight of the towers falling, I. Just. Can't. Do. It. It's not something I want to re-experience. So, I will probably skip it.

Does anyone else still find it hard to think about that day?

Mickey-D's - I'm NOT lovin' it

2006-07-28T07:04:00.000-07:00

So yesterday, I took a day off for my sanity and to destress just a little bit. It was really very nice and I got a small glimpse of how my days might look like when I get to be home in about three months with my newborn son. Oh, how I love to think about it!

I took my hubby to work, did some laundry, watched a little of the morning news show that I love to hate, decided to see a movie by myself (which I will talk about in my next post) and to treat my stepdaughter and her son to a little field trip out somewhere. I called my super friend and asked sneakily where the mega McDonald's in town was exactly and laid out my plan.

When I got home from my wonderful movie time, it was off to the mega McDonald's. Neither Jamie nor Ryan had any idea where we were going. I was so excited because I love to be able to do fun things, especially unexpected surprises, for others and I just knew we were going to have a great time. We would eat scrumptious hamburgers and fries, Ryan would play his little heart out, his mom would be happy for him, it would be so very magical, and I would be their hero for a few hours. Ah, how very well I thought I had planned this out.

Yeah, not so much.

Everything was going great - we told Ryan as soon as he finished his lunch, he would be able to play. It was a little hard to keep him focused on the food with all the screaming, running, the TV, and just general kiddo mayhem going on all around him. For him, it was probably like me going to Vegas a few years ago - stimulation overload. But, for the most part, I was happy with how things were going. I knew we had sort of a time limit since I had to go pick up Hubby from work, but no real big rush.

We were down to two little bites of his cheeseburger and I could tell he was getting anxious to go play, so both Jamie and I were encouraging him along now. Only one more little bite left. "Yeah! One more bite, Ryan!" The last bite is in his mouth - he's chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing......

And, now he's stopped chewing and is refusing to swallow his FINAL bite of cheeseburger. ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!???!!!??? @#$%^&!

Suddenly, Jamie and I have become desperate funmongers, trying to get him to chew and swallow his last bite of food and be able to go play, but our fun-loving boy has turned into obstinate, I-am-not-going-to-chew-this-last-bite-and-you-can't-make-me boy. You can tell by looking at his face that he has settled into his stubborn mode and will not be moved for or by anything. Well, I look right at him and tell him that if he doesn't chew his last bite right now, we are leaving without him getting to play. I ask him if he wants to play and he nods his head yes. Then, finish what's in your mouth NOW. Nope. The kid will not be moved.

After fifteen minutes of hammering into him the consequences of his actions if he persists in continuing on in this way (which I now understand to be totally ineffective) and trying desperately to get back to that magically happy time before that last bite of food entered his mouth, we begin to pack up and leave. Still no response from chipmunk cheek boy. I tell him before leaving the restaurant that he is going straight to time-out when we get home and that he will not get to play with his toys for the rest of the day because of his behavior. He didn't so much as bat an eyelash.

Uuuuurrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!

We're in the car and he is still refusing to finish swallowing his food. We didn't talk to him the entire way home.

We're home and getting him out of the car and now I think he finally realizes it's over because he begins crying and fighting NOT to go inside. Did he think I was bluffing? Grandma Neenie don't mess around.

We set him in time-out and as of the time I left to go pick up Hubby, he still had the indiscriminate piece of cheeseburger in his mouth.

So much for trying to add some fun to his and Jamie's day. That little escapade wore me out.

On my way to pick up my husband, though, my day got better. I called my super friend back and related my story. When I called her, I was about in tears. This wasn't the first time Ryan had pulled this little stunt and I am growing weary of it - I can't understand why he is doing it or how to help and correct him. Thankfully, she got me to laughing - she's really the best! - and gave me some tips which I later shared with Jamie and Hubby.

Well, I gotta admit that if this is what I have to look forward to in three months when I get to stay home, I say bring it on! Because one day in the life of a "housewife" was more interesting and made for a better blog than nearly seven years at my job!

Fun times.

P.S. If you want to read a real Big Mac of a story of one lady's McDonald's experience, go here and read this story.

Happy Birthday, Hubby!

2006-07-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

Today is my hubby's birthday! I just want to say how much I love my man. I never had any clue the kind of gift God had in store for me when He brought our lives together nearly five years ago!

My hubby -

Fiercely passionate when it comes to politics,
Teary-eyed when talking about anything relating to tradition/heritage,
Goofy and childlike when it comes to sci-fi (particularly Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica - the original ones mostly)
Most sincerely loving when it comes to his kids,
Eeyore-like when it comes to going to work or getting up in the morning (ask me about this in person),
Patient when it comes to driving (more so than his crazy wife),
Humble and available when it comes to serving,
The only one who can absolutely make his wife laugh and/or smile when she is trying so hard not to,
Loves the Lord and seeks after Him,
Believes in a very simple, practical life,
and
Has one of the most laidback personalities of anyone I've ever met!

I love ya, honey! Happy Birthday!

last week and today

2006-07-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

Well, last week was a little rough around the edges for me. It started with a nightmare I had Sunday night. For me, I always realize while I'm dreaming that what I'm experiencing is actually a dream, even if the dream is good. And, this was no exception. Even though it was a dream and I knew it, my nightmare was about the baby and took me to the worst fear any new mom could have - the death of her unborn child. I remember waking up that night and crying out to God like a child for comfort and peace. The mother-to-be - the one to provide comfort for her child - was reminded of her own need for her Father's comfort and embrace.

Then, I had a wonderful ultrasound and a sweet time with my dear friend last Tuesday. It was good to have someone there. However, the ultrasound brought both "good" and "bad" news. Good news - the fluid is back within normal limits and I've gained a few more pounds. More good news - the baby weighed about what he should and it appears all his organs are there and functioning properly. We even had quite a good time trying to see the baby's face and between his legs, but to no avail. He just wasn't in a photogenic mood, I guess. We got one precious picture of the side of his face where it looks like he's scratching his nose or if he's really mine, he probably had his thumb to his nose and his fingers in the air, like - "Ha, ha, you can't see me!" And, she ran a blood flow check in a conspicuous area where she agreed that it was a boy. So fun.

Now, the bad news - there is now a new concern with the baby which, to me, sounds worse than the fluid issue was. I don't think I can explain it very well, but I'll just give a brief summary of what the doctor told me. She measured the pumping of the heart and the blood flow between baby and the umbilical cord at the same time and apparently (there's a fancy four word name for this test, but I don't know what it is), the blood pressure as she called it, is off the charts high. She didn't give a reason why this would happen and assured me there was nothing I could do about it. (Wonderful.) She also said that I'm just beyond the point in my pregnancy where they would expect to see this kind of thing. If the condition persists, it could mean "limited activity" for me and/or early delivery of baby when it becomes viable to do so. I got the impression that it doesn't signify a condition that would persist outside the womb, so it still looks like baby himself is doing ok. And, I guess it can't be as terrible as my imagination wants to make it out to be, because I'm not scheduled to go back to the specialized doctor for another three weeks to have another ultrasound to check baby's growth. But, I would ask you to pray - for both mommy and baby.

I have to share that over the past week, while praying, seeking peace and comfort from my Father, and wanting to be close to Him, some words came to mind. Suddenly in the midst of my praying, all I could think was to ask God to sing over my baby. To sing over him like He's sung over my life. To sing over his entire being, all his growing, and all that He's designing this little boy to be. To sing peace over and to his worried momma and to remind her that even in the midst of this unknown, God is still with her and in control. The words of Zephaniah 3:17 came to mind -

"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

Thank you, Holy Spirit for reminding me!

Thank you for praying and for those of you I've been able to share this with in person, thank you for your compassion, understanding, and reassurances. It won't be long before we'll be celebrating together and holding this new little one in our arms!

2006-07-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Shannon for this fun little quiz. I'm not a nerd! :-) I so totally thought I was. And, despite what the quiz says about me despising nerds, it's not true.

baby's first concert! and update

2006-07-12T07:52:00.000-07:00

When I first found out I was pregnant, my best girlfriend suggested we take one "last" road trip together and do something fun before the baby is born. She really wants to see Rascal Flatts in concert so we found out that they were going to be in Bonner Springs, Kansas on August 5. In the process, we noticed another friend of ours in desperate need of some major girl time and a night (or two) out away from the kiddos. So, this party of three country girls bought our tickets to the "Me and My Gang" tour this past weekend and will be on our way in 3 1/2 weeks! Woo-hoo!

The only other "secular" concert I've been to is Journey's, so I'm really looking forward to rocking out country-style with my two girlfriends, getting to hear some of my favorites in person, and hopefully, enjoying my baby's own first dance stylings! Speaking of the baby, he should be fine. We have lawn tickets and will be far enough away from the stage to prevent any hearing loss (ours or his). I know - how fun is that? Just one of the sacrifices you make when you become a mom.

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I also had a regular pregnancy check-up yesterday and met with my first male OB doctor. He was very nice and helped to alleviate my concerns about the whole fluid issue with baby. I'm really looking forward to my ultrasound next week and he spoke very highly of the people I will be visiting with. Unlike the clinic I have been going to where the tech performs the ultrasound and passes the results on to the doctor to interpret, the doctors I will be visiting with next week are apparently internal fetal medicine doctors and not only perform the ultrasound, but interpret the results themselves as well. He was confident that they will be able to give me lots of information while I'm there in the clinic next week. My best girlfriend is coming with me and we'll have some fun girl time afterwards, preparing for a baby shower and celebrating her birthday.

I've still only gained one pound total since becoming pregnant and the doctors' opinions just seem to differ. Some of the doctors I've met with have wanted to see me start gaining some weight, but the doctor yesterday did not seem at all concerned. Kinda nice, having the problem of trying to put on weight. It can't possibly last forever. The next 18 weeks could get interesting.

And, as always, the sweet sound of baby's heartbeat made my whole day. I love that it gets easier to find the bigger baby gets and the farther along I am. It's like he no sooner had that doppler on my belly than we could hear baby's strong heartbeat loud and clear. I remember the first time hearing it in May - those five or ten minutes until we found it were nerve-wracking!

Now that I'm over halfway there, I'm getting more excited and nervous to deliver and see this little baby! It's still overwhelming to think that in about 18 weeks, I'm going to meet the son God knew about before I was even born. I'm longing to hold him, kiss his face, take care of him everyday, and just be his momma. All the love I have left to give is already completely his, if that's possible. Though I wouldn't miss or rush them for the world, these next 18 weeks can't go by fast enough.

the NEWS!

2006-06-28T13:26:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, it looks pretty well like my husband and I will be welcoming a baby boy, who will be named Jerry Allen Granville (all family names), into our lives and family come November! (See my new ticker - the pregnant woman, who really resembles me quite well, is wearing blue!)

Is it terrible to say that I was more than a little disappointed? When I spoke to a few people, I could hardly contain my tears. I really had my heart set on a daughter, but I knew even yesterday that my disappointment would pass and I would be able to move forward because now I know. My husband is nearly beside himself with happiness since this will be his first son after four girls and his happiness is only helping to dispell my disappointment and realize that his dream is coming true and I get to be a part of it with him. His dreams are my dreams and this little one is our son - a little bit of both of us and the generations of our families before us. I couldn't love him any more or less and I know I will be a mess when I see his little face and as I watch him grow, all those things! I watch Ryan now with an awareness when he says "Momma" that sometime soon, there will another little boy calling me "Momma". How crazy is that?

I have to admit that I am still sort of shell shocked and wondering what God is thinking to give me a boy? Are You serious? What am I going to do with a boy? I'm a girl for goodness sakes! I'm sure I'll figure it all out eventually, but this boy is already making me nervous. Oh well. Gotta love those little boys. Supermom - you'll get this - but I really hope I don't look better as a boy!

I am thankful we got to see him yesterday, but there were some issues I'd like to mention for any of you reading this to remember in prayer for us. We weren't able to get a very good look at our little boy for any number of reasons. We weren't able to get very accurate measurements of specific body parts or even kinda focus in on any particular one. He wasn't moving around too very much, but he was definitely active and Jerry was surprised that with how active he appeared, I couldn't feel anything yet!

We ended up visiting with the doctor (even though we weren't scheduled to see a doctor other than the ultrasound tech) yesterday, so I knew there were some concerns. The fluid around baby was a little too small for the doctor's liking and so I am scheduled for a higher-tech, higher-resolution ultrasound on the 18th to check it out a little better. I have also lost 2 pounds in two weeks when I should be starting to gain, so there is some concern that I am not eating enough, especially since this means I weigh a little bit less now than when I got pregnant. I am not trying to lose weight, but I am definitely eating healthier so that has more than likely cut my calories, when I should be adding 300 additional each day to my diet. Great - good and bad thing. Please pray for my appetite. It definitely isn't what it was before I got pregnant and it's hard to eat when I don't feel hungry. I want to make sure baby is getting everything he needs.

So, that's the news from the pregnancy front. Thanks for all your prayers and well wishes. I couldn't imagine a more supportive and enthusiastic group of people to go through all of this with. I can't wait to meet my little boy and introduce him to all of you, even those I've never met. You guys are truly awesome and I am grateful for every one of you!

P.S. If you're wondering where the pictures are, I'll just tell you that the ones I have are really not very clear and our computer at home is not set up and will not be hooked up to the internet for an indefinite amount of time. As soon as I can, I will post some. I have friends in the IT department here at work that will be willing to help me. It may be after my next ultrasound - I think the pictures will be much better then.

tomorrow's the BIG day! ...and other news of importance

2006-06-26T13:32:00.001-07:00

I AM SO EXCITED I CAN HARDLY

CONTAIN IT!!!!!

My husband and I are going in first thing tomorrow morning to have our 20-week ultrasound! I am so anxious to see how big, healthy, and beautiful baby is getting! It's been almost 11 weeks since I first saw our precious little one and I am ready to see her/him again and check out what all she/he's been doing and growing! And, if we're really lucky, we'll get to find out what the gender of our baby is! We already have our names picked out and are just ready to start calling baby by one or the other.

My heart is desperately longing for a girl, but God knows better than I the person He is creating and the life that He has purposed for our child, so either way, I am resting in His perfect will for all of us. Pray that I will be able to sleep tonight and that my heart will be at peace; I am so excited - you'd think I was a kid getting ready to go on vacation or something! But, even if I can't sleep, I've been reading the novel, The Devil Wears Prada (review to come and the movie is out this Friday!!!), so I'll have something to keep my mind busy. And when I finish that book (since I'm getting close to being done), I've got plenty more books to read!

My husband and I have taken all day tomorrow off, so I will be sure to post pictures and the happy news on Wednesday. Make sure to come back for the update!

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In other news, we finally have a washer and a dryer of our own! Hallelujah! I have been doing my laundry at a laundromat for almost eight years and I am so excited not to have to leave my house or dig out change to get my clothes clean anymore! It's truly a blessing for us and just simply doing my and my family's laundry now holds an incredible amount of joy for me! I'd even be willing to do a load (or two, or three, even) for a few of my blogging buddies - I am THAT happy!

This is all I have enough patience to write at the moment.

Everyone have a wonderful evening!

new blog name

2006-06-16T12:47:00.000-07:00

So if you haven't yet noticed, let me draw your attention to the new name of my blog. Why the new blog name, you ask? There's a few reasons for this -

1. The old name - where God can be found - wasn't really practical anymore because I wasn't really talking as much about literature, movies, or music as much as I would really like to be. See, you have to actually be reading, watching movies, and listening to music to talk about all those things. Kinda helps. Music is never a problem (because I'm listening to music or have music on my mind almost every waking moment of the day), but the others take a lot more time that I just don't have right now. I imagine eventually I'll talk more about books and movies, but right now, my mind is nearly completely preoccupied. If you don't know why, just take a look at the top of my blog. On a related note, I have wanted for some time to explain why I named my blog what I did in the first place. I really liked the name and have debated for a while whether to change it all. Anyways.... keep an eye out for a blog post explaining more in the future.

2. I knew that if I renamed my blog anything, it would be brave mommy (right now it's mommy-to- be since I am currently pregnant with my very first precious child). If you've read any of my previous posts, you know how very much I love the song Brave by Nicole Nordeman. It just speaks of and to my very heart of where I am at in my life right now, what I feel most of all that God is calling me to be in everything, and of my own desire for God to make me brave. I don't know why God chose the word "brave" to speak to me so powerfully, but He did. I even looked up the word and the definition just blows me away - "said of a person, or their character, actions, etc: having or showing courage in facing danger or pain, etc; daring or fearless." That is what I want to be, especially in relation to becoming a mommy for the first time. I think I'm going to need some bravery!

3. If I'm listed by blog name on somebody's link list, I'm way farther up alphabetically. LOL. Yeah, because that's what's most important. :-)

Hope you'll like the new name. And, keep coming by.

three things

2006-06-16T12:30:00.000-07:00

Three things I heard at my doctor's appointment yesterday -

1. You need to start gaining some weight.
2. Your blood pressure goes down in the second trimester and back up in the third.
3. That's only going to get worse (referring to the carpal tunnel pain in my right hand).

Three moments that made it all worthwhile -

1. Hearing my precious baby's heartbeat and knowing he/she appears to be doing well.
2. Getting stuck only once in the arm for a blood draw by the nurse (and it didn't even leave a bruise - that's a first!)
3. Laughing about the appointment last night with my mom.

faithfulness in the waiting

2006-06-06T09:25:00.000-07:00

“I don’t ask for success, I ask for faithfulness.” – Mother Theresa

This past Sunday, Kyle presented another part of the Joseph story in Genesis. I've really loved our exploration of Genesis. I've read most of these stories many times before and have never been as encouraged or challenged as I have been this time through. That's another post altogether, though. The highlight of the morning for me was getting to read the racy part of Potiphar's wife (you know, because pregnancy makes you feel so sexy). Yeah, not so much, really. But, it's always fun to read. Anyways....

After reading and hearing a little more about the story, we split up into small groups and our group, appropriately for me and I imagine a few others, was asked what the story tells us about waiting on God. (Kyle said it was the easy question - ha!) Our group talked about how even in the waiting, it seemed that Joseph was faithful in many things - to minister and share his faith, to remember that he didn't belong where he was, and to not forget about God. It's obvious to us in hindsight that God had a purpose for Joseph's waiting and so we can be encouraged in our lives now that God has a purpose in our waiting and calls us to that faithfulness, which is most often very difficult.

I've been in many waiting moments in my life. I feel like I am in many right now. I'm waiting for my baby to be born, I'm waiting and believing to see how God will provide for our family when I am no longer working, I am waiting to go back to school, I am anxiously waiting for my time at my job to be over, and in many ways, I am waiting to see what God has planned for our current little family and praying for Him to change my heart when everything within me doesn't want to be gracious or kind. And I am waiting, believing, trusting, and continuing forward.

What does it mean for me to be faithful in all of these things? And, how do I know if I'm being faithful or not? Sometimes I think I know, other times not so much. The quote above was really the highlight of the morning for me, because it has stuck with me, encouraged and challenged me (I like to say that alot - encouraged and challenged). For a while now, I've been aware of how easy it is for me to be unfaithful in all these circumstances. And, my unfaithfulness is sometimes downright rebellion because I am aware of the times that are very blatant, willful acts of that unfaithfulness. I am like a spoiled child saying to her Father - "I just don't want to."

And, yet my deepest prayer is for faithfulness, and whatever that means in all of these things, to be created and nurtured into all of my life because I don't want to miss out on the purpose that God has in store for me and who knows who else while I'm here in the waiting.

a very big thank you

2006-05-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

I just want to thank those who came by the former home of the Jarvis family this Sunday, brought us some lunch, helped my husband move furniture from our two-story apartment into a U-Haul in the bizarre pre-summer heatwave, packed my entire kitchen in no time flat, kept my grandson Ryan occupied, and just generally brought some cheer and relief into this stressful weekend of moving.

I'm happy to say we (and all our things - Janine's cup fetish and all) are in our new home (which is a 3-bedroom, 2 1/2 bathroom, 1 car garage, with a place for a washer and dryer (hallelujah!!!!!! no more lugging laundry back and forth from the laundromat anymore!), a backyard for the munchkin to play in, and really just lots of room!). We have only to clean out a good part of the old apartment by the 1st and turn in our keys and we will be completely done with apartment living!

I'm going to post some pictures soon and will share more about this crazy, sudden, move into our new wonderful home! We are very blessed to have found this place - it's in a great neighborhood and our landlords are wonderful people. I'm very anxious to be a friend to our new neighbors, see what God has in store for us in this new community, and to make our new home really home. And, of course, have everyone over for a breaking in party!

Thanks to literature lover and her entire clan (by the way, I continue to be impressed by the maturity and initiative of your wonderful daughters - they are awesome, girl!), my very sweet friend Laura, and Chad (aka strong man) for pitching in and helping us out in such a big way - you have no idea just how much this pregnant woman and her family appreciate all you guys did for us on Sunday! Just your presence in my home that day decreased my own stress level by quite a few notches and brought a happiness to my heart I can't even explain. And, I know Jerry very much appreciated another strong body to help him with all the furniture. We honestly couldn't have done it without ya'll! THANKS, THANKS, AND THANKS!!!!!

*** On a final note, Jerry's even made a few resolutions about NOT living in two-story apartments and maybe selling all our stuff the next time we move and just buying all new things. We'll see.

completely true

2006-05-30T08:56:00.000-07:00

You Are a Frappacino

At your best, you are: fun loving, sweet, and modern

At your worst, you are: childish and over indulgent

You drink coffee when: you're craving something sweet

Your caffeine addiction level: low

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

WOW! Now, if only it said Mocha Frappacino, this quiz would be exactly right about me!

I know there's been blog silence for several days on my end, but I've been saving up some good blogging material and will share it soon! Enjoy the quiz for now!

Happy Friday! and other thoughts

2006-05-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

If you hadn't guessed it yet, I love celebrating Fridays! Not only is it the last day of the week before the weekend (which means two heavenly days without my current full-time job), but I always seem to be energized more on Fridays than any other day of the week and I always seem to get more done. It's just always pretty much a happy day for me, no matter what happens. Makes me think I need to pray for that same kind of energy every other day of the week - just think of all I could get done then!

Today, I am contemplating many ideas for blog posts. I just can't seem to find the time to do all that I want and need to do, including blogging. A friend was talking on his blog about being attentive to the ordinary, which has resurrected some thoughts in my own mind and I'm hoping to expand on more eventually. Another friend has been processing through some of her thoughts in relation to church, callings, and ideas that have been brought up recently in our community. I have to say, she's quite a thinker! I guess I am still processing all my thoughts and am hesitant to write them down. After Sunday night, I honestly feel a little overwhelmed and like my brain is close to being fried on the subject since I've participated in nearly four conversations about it.

I also have thoughts of my own that have been brewing in my heart and mind of late when I have been thinking about my upcoming entrance into full-blown motherhood as well as the situation I currently find myself in as a stepmom, stepgrandmom, and wife (not to mention all the other roles I'm currently in). I'll just be honest and say that even though it's been more wonderful than terrible, the introduction of two children into our home - ages 19 and 2 - has still been extremely hard and a lot for me to take in. Sometimes, I feel that the task God has placed before me is more than I can possibly handle, even knowing that I have God's help! And to be pregnant on top of still being in the process of adjusting to life with two more family members only adds to the stress. When I think of the four of us all sharing time and attention with each other, particularly the attention of my husband (which has been all mine for nearly three years as a married couple), and then think of adding another one to the mix in six months, there are times I just think - what could I have possibly been thinking?! I'll share more on this later, but this can give you an idea of what's been on my mind.

In the spirit of what I posted yesterday and how I'm feeling today - overwhelmed, like I just don't have time to do everything I feel I should and need to be doing, and that sometimes I honestly just don't know about this whole four-way stepmom, stepgrandmom, wife, and mother-to-be thing - I was reminded of this quote from The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring -

Frodo: I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.

Gandalf: So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.

Sometimes, the task God has given me seems overwhelming and impossible and I'm not always sure I really want it. I think it's meant to be that way - as were the tasks the characters in this incredible story faced. But, like Gandalf, I believe there is a Force - namely God - and a reason behind all the tasks we face. We are meant to be here for whatever purpose God has designed and in light of that, the only remaining choice we have is to decide what we will do with the time that is given to us. Sometimes it's a one-foot-in-front-of-the-other-thing, but it's those very steps by which God leads us and builds our faith, whether the steps seem to us ordinary or extraordinary. When I think that Frodo could not have completed his task had he not taken the steps to get to Mordor or given up in the process, that is an encouraging thought to me. One step, one day at a time, Janiners.

Maybe now I'm just rambling, but that's not anything new. I hope everyone reading this has a very Happy Friday - celebrate it in whatever way you wish because if nothing else, it's another day closer to our real Home!

UPDATE: In relation to this post, I just read this incredible blog about "plodding." Go here and read it. You will be encouraged and challenged! Thanks, Lindy!

encouragement for today

2006-05-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

I was reading online this morning and was just so very encouraged by what I read -
Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin"— they simply are! Think of the sea, the air, the sun, the stars, and the moon— all of these simply are as well— yet what a ministry and service they render on our behalf! So often we impair God’s designed influence, which He desires to exhibit through us, because of our own conscious efforts to be consistent and useful. Jesus said there is only one way to develop and grow spiritually, and that is through focusing and concentrating on God. In essence, Jesus was saying, "Do not worry about being of use to others; simply believe on Me." In other words, pay attention to the Source, and out of you "will flow rivers of living water" (John 7:38 )……. If you want to be of use to God, maintain the proper relationship with Jesus Christ by staying focused on Him, and He will make use of you every minute you live — yet you will be unaware, on the conscious level of your life, that you are being used of Him.

When I read this, I think it’s very easy for me to lean one of two ways – either I can spend lots of time thinking of ways to minister to others or I can continually doubt what my life is really capable of accomplishing and what possible influence or impact I’m making on the lives of those around me.

The truth is, when I think in either of those terms, it’s really all about me and I’m failing to nurture and acknowledge the very relationship from which all hope and good works flow out of. It’s no good for me to try to think of ministering to others apart from nurturing my relationship with Christ properly (whatever that means between Him and I). And there is no reason for me to lose hope when it seems that my life is meaningless - without influence or impact - because in Christ, we are not without hope and our lives are not meaningless!

I really needed to be reminded of this today. Wherever you are today and whatever you are doing, I hope you will be encouraged.

an answer to prayer

2006-05-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

In a previous post, I mentioned that I had some tests run this week regarding my elevated blood pressure and the functioning of my kidneys. Well, I received a phone call on Friday from my doctor's office that my test results came back normal! This is indeed wonderful news, especially at such an early stage still in my pregnancy. I still have to go in for my scheduled appointment on Tuesday for follow-up, but there is most definitely a sense of relief over this happy news!

I have to acknowledge the faith in action of a good friend of mine and another girl who was pretty much a complete stranger to me, but who took the time to pray over me in the middle of a Starbucks Thursday night when I shared this concern with them. My good friend actually stopped by my office on her way to work on Friday afternoon - literally moments after I received the call that my tests had come back normal - and we celebrated right there in the lobby of my office building over God's answer to our prayers! Thank you, my dear friend, not only for your incredible faith to always believe for God's highest and best in every situation but then to act on it immediately by taking our requests right to the source.

random interview

2006-05-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

I have been interviewed by janjanmom in a fun, online game called THE INTERVIEW GAME. If you want to play, just leave me a comment and ask me to interview you and then I will give you five random questions (different from mine) for you to answer on your blog. Pretty simple and harmless. So, thanks janjanmom, for the questions and here are my answers to your questions!

1. What is your earliest memory as a child?
~ this one was kind of hard for me, but I would have to say it was of my crawling around on the floor of our family's mobile home when we briefly lived in Alabama (somewhere Army-based because my Dad was in basic training).

2. Describe an embarrassing moment from elementary school.
~ does Kindergarten count? I was in Germany at the time (Army-related, of course) and I remember having watched the Disney cartoon version of Pinocchio and was first introduced to the word jacka$$ (you can click the link and find the movie quote yourself; I ain't making it up). Well, at school one day I got myself into pretty big trouble when I called one of my classmates a jacka$$. Not one of my finer moments - although in my defense I felt since I had heard it from a cartoon, it must have been ok, even though it wasn't very nice.

3. What is a life acheivement of yours that really stands out in your mind?
~ I don't have any because anything that could be considered an achievement is ultimately God's achievement in me and I couldn't take credit for it.

4. What color do you like to paint your nails and why?
~ actually, bright red or light pink (though I gotta be honest and say I rarely paint my nails). Bright red when I'm feeling sassy and light pink when I just want to feel feminine (plus I'll keep the pink longer because it's not so flashy to me). I'm going to treat myself to a manicure soon though because the pre-natal vitamins are making my nails grow so beautifully these days!

5. What sort of event constitutes putting on make-up to you? (just leaving the house or only for certain things etc.)
~ pretty much anytime I'm going out in public. Although, I only wear undereye make-up and mascara, so I don't know if that even constitutes a full putting-on of make-up.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So, who's first?

janiners, the acronym

2006-05-11T10:44:00.000-07:00

I love stealing ideas! I got this idea from a fellow blogger - janjanmom. Truly, I'm such a sucker for this kind of thing - all the personality quizzes, all the cutesy things you can add to your blog (I REALLY love my pregnancy ticker, I gotta admit!), etc.

J	Juicy
A	Ambitious
N	Naive
I	Ideal
N	New
E	Extreme
R	Relaxing
S	Sensational

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

*** I particularly love the juicy and sensational descriptions. If any of you dare call me juicy, though, I may just have to hurt ya!

wild grace

2006-05-10T12:24:00.000-07:00

A while back, I discovered by way of another blog, this blog called Wild Grace. It features poems, art, and photography by several artists and has just become kind of a contemplative site that I have enjoyed visiting.

Today, I went there and read a poem which one of the artists, Gracie, wrote in response to the happy outcome of the miners' rescue in Australia. The poem is beautiful and I think all of us can relate to a time in our lives where we have been rescued from something or by someone. I hope you'll check it out.

the names

2006-05-10T11:41:00.000-07:00

OK. I can't tell you how anxious I am to know whether our little bundle of joy will be a boy or a girl! I am sometimes beside myself. I, personally, want a little girl. Only one person has asked me why and I'm not sure I can explain my reasoning. I think, in my mind, I've always pictured myself with a little girl first. It's not that I don't want a boy. Maybe it's because I was the first child in my family and so I want to have a girl first. Who knows? I'll investigate more and see if I can come up with some logical, deep-felt heart reason for my desire. Anyways......

My husband and I have already pretty much decided on our boy and girl name finalists. Isn't that amazing? And, my parents are pretty much in agreement, too, which even though doesn't matter in the whole scheme of things, really does help.
:-)

If the child is a boy (which is what my husband wants more than anything since he already has four girls), my husband has insisted we name him Jerry (which is my husband's first name). His family has started this little tradition with their firstborn boys of taking the dad's first name and giving a different middle name (so as not to make the child a junior). However, we won't end up calling the child Jerry. He'll be called by the middle name. Let me just share something about this with you. My father-in-law's name is Jerry Walter. My husband's name is Jerry Anthony. When I'm around my husband's family, they all call him Anthony and I call him Jerry and have two people turning to look at me. I have to admit this annoys me a little bit, but I have relented since the other two names will be family names from my side. So, we decided the boy's full name will be Jerry Allen Granville. Allen is my father's middle name. We would have gone with my dad's first name, but then our child would be Jerry Kerry and that is just unacceptable. So, Allen it is. Granville is my grandfather's name and the original due date fell on his birthday, so that's pretty significant.

Now, I've given lots of thought to what I would want to name my little girl. My very first thought for a long time was Samantha Josephine. But, when you put our last name on there, it just doesn't sound very feminine to me and a little hick. Her nickname would no doubt be Sammy Jo (which is cute until you add the last name). My dad suggested first names of Emily and Amy. Well, my husband's brother already has an Emily, so that's out. And, I'm not too fond of Amy. So, I compromised with one of my favorites and have decided on Emma. I had finally decided the girl's full name would be Emma Ruth Josephine. Why these names? Emma I just like. (And, it's cute to hear my dad already calling the baby Emmy Jo. How precious is that?) Ruth because I am in love with her story in the Bible and her name means "friend, companion." Josephine because it was my grandmother's name. My mom is very happy about this and so am I. One little problem. My mom's not digging the three names and she suggested a different second name. My mom's middle name is Rosemary, so she said I should call her Emma Rose Josephine. I have to admit I like that name, too. So, what to do?

I'm really happy with these names. No one's really digging the three names except me, but oh well. They're significant and I think they all flow beautifully.

I'm kind of interested to hear what you think. Just for the fun of it. You may even help me to decide or lend some insight into the names. Especially the girl's name which now has me a little stumped.

Should it be

Emma Rose Josephine
or
Emma Ruth Josephine?

a miserable weekend & request for prayer

2006-05-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

I have no other way to say it - it was a miserable weekend. I caught some kind of bug that made me so ill on Saturday that I couldn't keep anything down for over 24 hours. (We knew it wasn't morning sickness since I've been pretty fortunate not to have any all along.) About eight o'clock Saturday evening, I finally gave up trying to eat or drink anything after so many times of seeing everything in reverse and praying to the porcelain gods more than my share. We had even called the doctor on Saturday and she had recommended some anti-nausea medicine called Emetrol. What a crock! Every single dose I tried to take would not stay down. Anti-nausea medicine my butt. :-) (Can you sense my disdain for this medicine?) I was lonely, dizzy, and miserable. Sunday morning, I started eating saltine crackers bite by bite and sipping water. It was getting better. Sunday afternoon, I was finally able to handle some soup and it was heaven. Really. I was famished, dehydrated, and still dizzy.

Monday came and I was still really dizzy with a small appetite. I was having to force myself to eat anything. At the advice of one of the nurses, I went in to be checked out. They thought I might have low blood sugar and was probably dehydrated, so it was possible I might need to be hooked up to an IV to replenish fluids and such. It turned out to be a good visit and my husband was with me since neither one of us thought I should be driving. He got to hear the heartbeat of our baby (which really made all the misery of the previous few days worth it; even though the baby will drain me, God has arranged it that the baby will get everything they need to survive, even at my expense, and baby's heartbeat was nice and strong) and I got complimented by the doctor on some things that might seem a little strange. Let's just say she knows I'm drinking LOTS of water and was really happy to tell me so! I told her my mom would be so happy to hear it! The dizziness I've been experiencing appears to be from fluid in my ears and she recommended some over-the-counter allergy medicine to help alleviate it. She also said it might take a few more days for me to fully return to feeling well since I missed an entire day of eating and have a baby dependent on me for its nutrition and well-being. Wow! Babies can be so demanding! :-)

One area of concern - my blood pressure was up. I won't even get into the lovely 24-hour test I had to take, but I will just say that I'm thankful I didn't have to do it at work. The doctors didn't appear to be all that worried or concerned so I'm trying not to be either. We will know better how my body is functioning very soon. My original routine appointment was scheduled for next Tuesday and I get to keep it due to my blood pressure.

I still haven't gained any weight or outgrown any of my clothes yet! Yeah! And, I'm just about out of the first trimester! Everything else looks really good and the doctors were very positive.

Please pray that when I go back in on Tuesday my blood pressure will be back to normal and that the tests I've taken will come back normal and positive. And, even if it turns out not to be, I know God will certainly give me the strength, patience, and wisdom to deal with whatever the doctors advise me to do. After all, I am choosing to believe that this pregnancy (as are most in my belief) is God-given and therefore, He saw ahead to all that would come and thought it was still a journey worth putting me on and through. So, regardless of the outcome, I have to trust that He is working out a plan for His glory and my good in all of it. Especially in the uncertainties and unknowns. Oh, for faith to trust Him more!

more 80's trivia!

2006-05-05T10:38:00.000-07:00

Since Kyle sort of got the ball rolling and because it's Friday, check out the quiz below and see how many lyrics you actually know to those great 80's tunes! I scored an 81 and of course, recognized some of the lyrics I missed after I found out the answers. Duh! You know how it goes. Let me know how you do! Enjoy and have a great Friday!

I am from

2006-05-05T06:33:00.000-07:00

I couldn't resist the opportunity to write one of these myself. It's kind of lengthy (as is most everything else I write), but I enjoyed taking the time to look back and write some things down on "paper." For those of you who haven't done so already, just do it! :-) You'll be glad you did. Mine's probably not the best example of length, so forgive me. You can find some simple ideas on getting started here .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am from evergreen trees and the smell and sound of the ocean. I am from the warm, salty, night breeze blowing in from the bay through the windows of the small second- floor room of my great-Grammy’s house where my brother and I slept during summer vacations. I am from walking the length of the small city where my brother and I were both born, from the McDonald’s at the highway junction to the park at the other end of town. I am from hanging clothes out to dry on my great-Grammy’s laundry line to be dried in the warm, summer, ocean air. I am from trips to the candy store with my brother where we would buy cowtails, gum, and soda pop nearly everyday of summer vacation. I am from lighthouses, Acadia National Park, Mt. Katahdin, and fresh seafood. I am from finding out the news that the very house my great-Grammy had lived in all my life and the place where I’d made so many precious summer memories with my family was being sold and my great-Grammy moved to a Florida retirement home.

I am from vacations on the road. I am from Niagara Falls and Mount Rushmore and Devil’s Tower and the Redwood Forest and Ruidoso and Pike Place Market. I am from fighting over room and space with my brother in the backseat of our car, from singing out of tune with my headphones on and driving my family crazy. I am from dinners on the road at McDonald’s and Mom stealing licks from everyone else’s ice cream cones because she refused to get her own. I am from a brother who played with his food, made us laugh till our sides hurt, and then grew up to become an incredible pastry chef. I am from a family that resembles The Griswolds when it comes to vacations on the road.

I am from the Army life and never staying in the same place more than four years at a time. I am from a home that, on the outside, looked just like everyone else’s around me. I am from making friends, moving, and making new friends. I am from learning to adjust.

I am from long walks with my mom in our Washington neighborhood. I am from the Maranatha Praise albums and listening to my dad singing, Come, Let us Worship and Bow Down. I am from pandas and coin collections. I am from “forest hotels” and singing along with Psalty the Singing Songbook. I am from Dad’s homemade lasagna and snickerdoodles. I am from homemade pizza and movie nights on Fridays. I am from Easter dresses sewn with love by my momma every year of my childhood. I am from a picture of a little girl hanging in only her underwear on a hook on the back of a door in her grandmother Josephine’s home.

I am from the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am from watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, from Mom’s homemade, warm yeast rolls, from trimming the tree with the same ornaments year after year that we had brought back from Germany when I was really young, from reading The Story every Christmas Eve and Christmas morning before doing anything else. I am from countless Christmas movies and songs.

I am from playing in the band at football games, from the music of Beauty and the Beast and West Side Story, from panthers to lancers, and from friends who I’ve lost touch with.

I am from failure, rebellion, heartache, moving away, and being on my own. I am from Wide Open Spaces. I am from a small, one-bedroom apartment with an empty living room and a borrowed bed to sleep in. I am from a 1 and a half hour bus ride each way to work and a three-mile walk home for over a year just to pay the bills. I am from coming to know the faithfulness of God in the sunrise that would greet me each morning walking across the Mingo Creek bridge on my way to catch the bus. I am from Testify to Love. I am from all the precious times I shared with the Lord riding the bus to work.

I am from brokenness and a trip home after nearly three years without seeing my mom and a reconciliation that can be likened to that of Jacob and Esau or the prodigal and the Father. I am from All Things New.

I am from late-night coffee house talks with good girlfriends, girls’ nights out, book discussions, prayers, and friendship. I am from friends I thought I would never have and from telling them (over and over) how very much they mean every time I get to spend any length of time with them.

I am from love I thought I would never find. I am from shoeboxes that hold cards, movie stubs, dried flowers, letters, pictures, and other sentimental memorabilia of my life since my husband’s love swept into my life. I am from two Journey concerts, more than a handful of trips to El Paso over the holidays, one trip to California, from Eureka Springs, and building an everyday-kind-of life and love together.

I am from a beautiful girl and her son that have seemingly captured what ever of my heart is left to give and a beautiful child who is yet to come.

I am from a life that is more than I could have ever dreamed yet still my heart is longing for a place I have never seen. I am from a Father who is so good to me I can’t begin to contain it! I am from a mercy that is renewed every morning and from new opportunities to make more memories.

I can't believe it!

2006-04-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

For at least a few years now, I've been struggling with my weight issue. And, it is an issue. I could never seem to find the right motivation to just do it and get healthy. I've looked at pictures of myself from even a few years ago and breathed a deep sigh of angst, thinking I'll never even get back to that - I just don't have the willpower to do it. I've been holding on to clothes that I cannot tear myself away from because even though I am not taking action, I am convinced that someday I will be able to wear all my cute clothes again. I've even tried telling myself that God can't possibly be happy with my eating habits or lack of exercise, but to no avail.

When I got pregnant, I was (and still am) overweight. This was not only a huge concern of mine for many reasons, but also a factor in why my mom did not first respond with delight at finding out my happy news. I won't go into all the mucky details here, but I will just say that I knew how my mom would react and so instead of calling her, and at the advice of my very wise brother, I called my dad, knowing he would undoubtedly pass along the news. In the background, I could hear my mom making reference to my weight and what part of her body she would stick up another part of my body if I didn't start eating right. (Nice.) Of course, I was disappointed, but not really surprised. These comments came from the woman, who back in November, advised me (and I quote) - "Don't you dare get pregnant at your weight." I didn't have any intention of doing so, but I also knew that my husband and I weren't actively trying to prevent pregnancy. Nice little loophole for me now. (Now, please understand that God is so very gracious and my mom's heart has come around since seeing the first ultrasound pictures of her growing grandchild-to-be. I am not resentful of her first response because that is just how I know my mom is. We've already talked about all of these things and understand each other in a way that even my mom says is unmerited. Praise God!)

Now, moving on.......

Getting pregnant has been a huge motivator for me to begin replacing my old eating and excercising habits with new and better ones. Knowing that someone else is dependent on you for their nutrition and well-being really has a tremendous impact on me. God knew this, and while this is not the only reason He has blessed me with a pregnancy I misguidedly believed I would never have, I believe this is an effect He knew it would have on me. This pregnancy, in a roundabout way, is an answer to prayer for finding the motivation to do something I couldn't (or maybe wouldn't) before.

I've dramatically changed the way I eat - what I eat, how often I eat, how much I eat, all that - and am getting out to walk on a daily basis and it appears to be having a positive effect on my health and my figure. Mind you, I am not trying to lose weight. I am just making a goal to eat more healthily and walk more than I have been. Not to mention cutting out soda completely and replacing it with water is an incredible miracle in itself! I never loved water as much as I do now!

This morning, along with it being Friday and Tulsa in store for some much-needed heavy rain (minus the destructive threat of tornadoes), I received another happy surprise when I went to put on a pair of jeans that last week was somewhat tight around my growing midsection and realized they went on a little easier and were actually a little looser. Hooray! Woo-hoo! I know my belly is growing, but it appears that other parts of my body are shrinking!

I keep saying that I will be in better shape when the baby arrives than I was when I got pregnant and it looks like I may just get what I'm hoping and working for! Nearly 11 weeks and counting, little one! Grow away!

another quiz result

2006-04-28T08:32:00.000-07:00

It's Friday!

So let's celebrate with another quiz and some

much-needed rain in Tulsa!

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Interesting. Not sure it's always accurate..............

So, what classic movie are you?

How are you celebrating this happy Friday?

since I'm on the subject

2006-04-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

Since I'm on the subject of lyrics........

I keep hearing this song called When God Made You on the radio, and sometimes I think about my husband and sometimes, I think about the precious little one God is bringing into my life. (Either way, I'm normally crying for joy!) This little one has already changed my world completely and I know that whoever he/she turns out to be, God knew exactly what we both would need. He has given us to each other and I am humbled, ecstatic, and sometimes terrified!

I'll just shout it from the rooftops of blogworld -

I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMA!

So, I actually don't have much else to say except to share the lyrics of the chorus with you -

Oh I wonder what God was thinking,when he created you.
I wonder if He knew everything I would need,
Because he made all my dreams come true.
When God made you, He must have been thinking about me....
He must have heard every prayer I've been praying
Because He knew everything I would need

two people fell in love

2006-04-26T08:10:00.000-07:00

Two People Fell in Love as sung by Brad Paisley

A baby's born in the middle of the night in a local delivery room
They grab his feet, smack him till he cries he goes home the next afternoon
'Fore you know it he's off to school and then he graduates in May
Goes out and gets a Ph.D. and then cures all sorts of things
Wins a Nobel Prize and saves a million different lives
The world's a better place for all he's done
It's funny when you think about the reason he's alive
It's all because two people fell in love

Right now at a picnic shelter down by Caney Creek
You'll find potato salad hot dogs and baked beans
The whole Wilson family's lined up fillin' their paper plates
They've drove or flown in here from fifteen different states
Well Stanley Wilson says that sixty years ago he knew
That Miss Emma Tucker was the one
Now five generations get together every June
All because two people fell in love

There ain't nothin' not affected
When two hearts get connected
All that is, will be, or ever was
Every single choice we make
Every breath we get to take
Is all because two people fell in love

Well, I recall a young man who was driftin' aimlessly
And a young waitress who seemed lonesome as could be
But in a little cafe right off of fourteenth avenue
With a whole lotta help from up above
We met and things sure turned around for me and you
And all because two people fell in love

Baby, there ain't nothin' not affected
When two hearts get connected
All that is, will be, or ever was
I'm glad your dad could not resist
Your mama's charms and you exist
All because two people fell in love

You know, to me it's all so clear
Every one of us is here
All because two people fell in love

A baby's born in the middle of the night in a local delivery room
They grab his feet, smack him till he cries he goes home the next afternoon

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I’ve been searching for a video of this song that will work on my blog and have been unsuccessful thus far, so I just gave up and decided to cut and paste the lyrics and say what was on my mind. If you’ve made it this far with me, please keep reading.

I simply love this song.

It's just sweet and so nicely puts into words a thought that just baffles my mind and sometimes moves me to tears. Not to mention, you just gotta love and laugh at the line - I'm glad your dad could not resist your mama's charms and you exist!

Each of our choices has some kind of result to it and choosing to love has many results. Children just happen to be one of them. :-) It amazes me how much our lives impact one another's and that love creates life in so many ways. By choosing to love, you can brighten someone's unhappy day, turn around the tide of an argument, deliver hope or encouragement, help to save someone's life, be a friend to someone who's never had a friend, make someone feel special, break down walls, feed someone who's hungry - so many things! By choosing to love, husbands and wives with God's help create life in their children and hopefully, raise them with and in love, thus creating more love and life to be shared in the world. And, you never know what any one person in Christ is capable of accomplishing just because we shared love with them! By choosing to love to the point of death, Christ gave us new life, and the very reason we're all alive is only because God loves us and wants the world to recognize and know His glory and love.

It amazes me to the point of silence and sometimes tears to think that because my parents fell in love and because God willed and planned it the way He did, my very life came about. What an incredible, awesome, and sometimes impossible thought to comprehend! The Psalmist surely says it best so allow me to remind you of the tender wonder and love that created you and I from the verses of Psalm 139, taken from the Message version –

Oh yes, You shaped me first inside, then out;
You formed me in my mother's womb.
I thank you, High God--you're breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration--what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
You know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared before I'd even lived one day.
Your thoughts--how rare, how beautiful!
God, I'll never comprehend them!

And because of the care He took in fashioning everything about me, how can I not help but desire to live out the same love He's shown and given me?

I probably didn't explain this very well at all or perhaps idealized the singer's message. I can go so very far in my thought processes, but I hope you enjoyed the lyrics. I read these out loud once in book study and I couldn't help but laugh as I was reading them.

I'm interested to know your thoughts if you've never heard the song before or feel free to share any thoughts that come to your mind. As soon as I can find a good video of this song that will work on my blog, I’ll be sure to put it on here so you can hear it because the lyrics alone don’t do the song justice.

P.S. You have to know that I'm even more fascinated at the moment with how life comes about, the implications of our lives, the effects our choices make on those whose lives are entrusted to us, etc. I'm sure you'll be seeing many more similar posts on this subject in the months to come. Get ready.

this past Maundy Thursday

2006-04-17T06:54:00.000-07:00

This past Thursday our church observed Maundy Thursday. My first ever introduction to it was last year when we first did it at our church. It was the first time I'd really given much thought to every particular event in the Passion Week and I was overwhelmed by reflecting upon and really absorbing all the things that took place and led up to the Cross. So, knowing we were going to observe it as a community again this year, I was really looking forward to it. I'm in agreement with another friend that sometimes having an hour of complete uninterruption can be difficult so I really relished the thought of just having some time to reflect, pray, and connect with my Jesus on this evening.

Our pastor mentioned this scripture during our time as a community together and then I reread it during my hour of the prayer vigil.

It was when Christ and his disciples were in the Garden of Gethsemane and he had asked them to keep watch with Him.

Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. "Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?" he asked Peter. "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

I read and I am broken and humbled. How easy it is for me and what joy I take in spending this one hour on Maundy Thursday with my Lord, but how many other times in my life and throughout the rest of the year do I not "keep watch" and find myself asleep, falling into temptation, or choosing something else over my Lord? How many times do I neglect to remember others and their burdens and oppressions or even fail to remember my Christ's own suffering that He endured for me?

There is a bittersweetness in spending this hour with my Lord. I feel honored to symbolically walk through this evening with Him for an hour and "keep watch" with many others as we approach Good Friday and the Cross. There is a renewal of connecting with Christ in His suffering for us and for the will of His Father. Yet there is a reminder deep in my heart that says there are still places in my life I need to be more faithful and vigilant and that the passion and emotion I have at observing this evening can and should go beyond this night. It's not a feeling of condemnation, but of loving reminding and correcting.

I left my hour on Thursday incredibly humbled, sorrowful for what the disciples experienced, for what Christ had to endure, and yet somehow renewed and refreshed from spending one honest, vulnerable hour in the presence of my Lord.

the glory

2006-04-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

Here are some of the lyrics to one of my favorite songs - The Glory - a song by Avalon, especially thinking about Easter :

In the solitary moment of His birth
On this barren dusty land
All of heaven kissed the face of the earth
With a miracle of love God became a man

But He was sent away to draw his final breath
When he was only thirty-three
And in the shame of dying a criminal's death
He cleansed an angry world
And in his suffering I see

The glory of the blood
The beauty of the body
That was broken for our forgiveness
The glory of His perfect love
Is the heart of the story
The glory of the blood

I have tried to find salvation on my own
In a search for something real
There's a guilty heart inside this flesh and bone
I fall upon his grace
And I begin to feel

The glory of the blood
The beauty of the body
That was broken for our forgiveness
The glory of His perfect love
Is the heart of the story
The glory of the blood

And when I close my eyes I can see Him hanging there
Oh the precious wounded Lamb of God
And all the majesty in this world can not compare to the glory
The beauty of the body
That was broken for our forgiveness

The glory of the blood
The beauty of the body
That was broken for our forgiveness
The glory of His perfect love
Is the heart of the story
The glory of the blood

He was sent away to draw His final breath
When He was only thirty-three

approaching Easter

2006-04-12T08:34:00.000-07:00

I read something today on another blog that moved me to tears. For a few years now, Easter has really held so very much emotion for me. It's not only a sobering reminder of the incredible cost to my Savior for my sin, but also an exuberant celebration of the renewal I've experienced in my own life, in the lives of those around me, and the promise of the renewal yet to come in this life and beyond!

Easter and the week leading up to it reminds me of the many times in my life I've been through when I felt alone, in the dark, without hope, or just wondering what was going on. I thought surely God has finally given up on me - I am a lost cause, He doesn't have a plan or I have missed it and now I'm on my own, or I'm not listening hard enough. All those little things creep into my thoughts and confuse and discourage me even more. How the disciples must have felt that week, going through the turn of events they did. Did they understand what was happening? More than likely - no, or not all of them. Did their faith waver? We know that a few, if not all, did. Haven't we all had moments like these? I can't help but sort of relive those moments of despair the disciples must have had because I've had them in my own life.

Then, you compare the disciples to Christ and it's pretty much like night and day. Christ knew clearly what was coming, he understood the sacrifice, and he set out "resolutely" for Jerusalem. I want to face my trials and the moments when I am uncertain like that - faithfully resolute in Christ.

I've gone to see He's Alive! here at Victory several times over the past few years and it seems no matter how many times I've seen it, I still can't help but shout and cry for joy when "Christ comes out of the tomb" and appears to Mary and His disciples. It's a weird sort of feeling - like I expected a different outcome this year to the story I've known all my life. In that moment, I know without any doubt that He is my life and heart's Hero, my King, risen forevermore, my Redeemer, and coming again. His resurrection marks the beginning of the end of life as we know it, not only on earth but for the life to come. It heralds the beginning of a new life beyond logic or comprehension. I know that He intends to make all things new and to redeem and renew all the things that have been lost.

It never ceases to amaze me that in a matter of three days, Christ changed our world so completely and absolutely. He did for us in three days what we could never do for ourselves in an entire lifetime! I am so thankful!

Happy Easter- we are forgiven and Christ is risen indeed!

a sight I've never seen

2006-04-06T06:53:00.000-07:00

One place I've always wanted to visit and never have is the Grand Canyon. I found this picture today online and was also listening to a song on the radio that says,

The whole earth is filled with your glory, Lord....

and I just couldn't help but say something. My heart swells with joy, wonder, humility, and in truth when I hear words like this. It's like an unconscious act of agreement that I just can't help or ignore because God gives me so many reasons to acknowledge that the earth is truly filled with His glory.

And when I see pictures like this, I can't help but stand in awe of the One who created such beauty. When I try to think of what heaven will be like, my mind can't comprehend or quite grasp the majesty of the beauty I have yet to behold, not even including the wonder of seeing my Lord face-to-face for the first time! Sometimes it's hard for me to imagine anything more beautiful than what I can see. Yet God's word surely reminds me that there is!

Truly - how great is our God!

I'm kind of curious -

To those of you out there in the blogging world, I have a question for you.

Where do you find beauty that just draws you to stand in awe of God? It can be anything.

yesterday

2006-04-05T07:38:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I finished my forever work project and had some fun things planned for the evening. A friend of mine - Mandy - and I decided to get together at the Starbucks closest to my apartment to just get caught up and hang out. She and her husband have two precious children of their own and when I told her I was pregnant, she was so excited for me! (I do need to mention something incredible about my relationship with her. We met when we both were new to Tulsa almost seven years ago, but we had somewhat of a falling out almost five years ago and just disconnected from each other. Then, a few years ago, while I was still working a second job, she showed up in one of the stores I was auditing with RGIS. Well, we both just knew that God had brought our relationship back together and thankfully and incredibly, we were reconciled. Since then, we still don't manage to see each other very often, but it's getting better and I have a feeling it will just become even more so now. I'm so glad for God's redemptive power at work in our lives and relationships!) Well, I received my first pregnancy present last night and I felt so loved and blessed. She gave me a book called Supernatural Childbirth which may sound a little funky to some, but has prayers in it to remind me of what God's word says about pregnancy, childbirth, and motherhood. There's a chapter in it called "Can I be a joyful mother of children?" and I was like, boy do I need to read that chapter! I read some of the prayers and scriptures about not fearing during pregnancy and trusting God and I was ready to cry. I have been wanting to find a book with prayers or devotionals specifically for pregnant women and God, in His infinite wisdom and love, used my friend to bring me the very thing I needed! Mandy and I had a wonderful time of catching up and sipping Chai Lattes (no caffeine for me) and I was very encouraged by her genuine words and friendship.

After finishing our visit and leaving Starbucks, I ran to Wal-Mart to pick up The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe and get home so I could eat. My daughter and I decided to watch the movie and my husband retreated to the bedroom/office to get some things done. After the movie, I decided to try to engage Jamie in a discussion about the obvious spiritual references in the story and talked about how much more detailed the book is and explains a little bit more than the movie. She seemed to make some of the spiritual connection after I mentioned it and she seemed a little surprised to realize it. Even though I did most of the talking (not entirely my choice; she's just really quiet and contemplative), she seemed happy to listen and interested in knowing more about the stories. I'm trying hard not to press her or overwhelm her with my passion for stories and how we can find truth about the world we live in them, but I pray that God would use each conversation we have like this to just spur her interest and move her mind to think in different and new ways. I cannot wait to start reading with her and pray that she will enjoy and be engaged and challenged by stories!

I'm also in the process of deciding what I plan to do once the baby is born in November (or whenever he/she decides to come) and I'm leaning very strongly towards staying home and not returning to work. My husband knows this is/has been my desire and is supportive of this plan. Over the next nine months, I would definitely appreciate any suggestions, advice, or encouragement all you stay-at-home-mommies can give me. I know this is where God is leading me in regards to my child, so I am taking joy at the thought of being my kid's mom.

In that light, I wanted to mention that I found this incredible prayer on another blog that says -

Do not pray for easy lives; pray to be stronger men. Do not pray for tasks equal to your powers; pray for powers equal to your tasks. Then the doing of your work shall be no miracle, but you yourself shall be a miracle. Every day you shall wonder at yourself, at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God.
-- Phillips Brooks

I am going to be holding on to this prayer over the next nine months and will no doubt "wonder at myself" and "at the richness of life which has come to you by the grace of God."

I know everyone is probably getting tired of hearing me say this as well, but I've realized that if there is anything God is specifically calling me to be, it's BRAVE.
So, that is what I am striving to be in every aspect of my life! Here's to a brave and successful pregnancy and a brave and wonderful life as my kid's mom!

we now return to our regularly scheduled work

2006-04-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

The past week or so has been crazy and stressful. Just when I thought things might be getting better at work, I'm proved wrong. I was given a data entry project that was 172 pages long that had to be entered by the close-of-March and it has been kicking my butt. Not only has all my other work (you know, the work I'm actually paid to do) been getting behind while this project took priority, but the project took a lot more time than anyone anticipated. I was working on it last week, in the midst of all the craziness of finding out I was pregnant, and had taken the report home several evenings to work on it. A few nights I ended up working on it late into the night. BAD IDEA when you're pregnant. Thursday was my exhaustion breaking point and I was just honest with my boss about not being able to take on anything extra over the next nine months because I knew physically and emotionally I couldn't handle any extra stress. I knew I could have worked on things over this past weekend to get caught up and simply chose not to. I was able to sleep, rest, take a trip to the zoo with my family, and just enjoy my first weekend with the knowledge of being pregnant. Yesterday I finally finished the project after more than 8 straight business days of working on it. I must say that my husband has not only been incredibly supportive of me, but has also been an encouragement and a reminder to me to take care of myself and help me maintain healthy boundaries when it comes to work, especially now. You wouldn't think it, but I have been quite a pushover and am easily manipulated when it comes to work. I always feel like I could do better and should be able to handle everything given to me, even if logically I know it's impossible. To some degree, I know my boss depends on me and I hate to disappoint her by admitting I can't do something or even admit that I need more time.

I have come to realize that this is also true oftentimes in my relationship with God. I sometimes have a sense of needing to prove myself or show that I can do things on my own. I know this is so backwards from how God wants us to be - I can hardly get out of bed and face the day without His help - but something within me wants me to believe that eventually I should be able to handle things on my own. It's almost like I want to prove that I've learned everything I need to know from Him to go through life, but He just keeps showing me that I haven't learned it all. This can be pretty frustrating and humbling as I feel I want to please God by showing Him how well I've learned from Him and because it's hard for me to finally come to the point of admitting that I haven't learned it all or even when a lesson I thought I'd learned comes back for another round and I am shown another aspect of faith that I hadn't considered previously.

As I'm learning how to better communicate with my boss and be honest when I am overwhelmed, I am learning that God doesn't expect me to have my life all figured out and that I don't ever have to feel overwhelmed by life or like I've learned it all. I'm definitely not where I used to be in this area and that is encouraging to me. Every now and then, though, I can feel myself travelling back down this road or towards it. I'm so very glad that God always calls me back to the joy of Himself and away from the chains I could easily find myself locked up in again.

without words

2006-04-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

So, for all you who have been holding your breath, patiently awaiting the answer to my previous post - the riddle - it should come as no surprise to hear the answer is that I'm pregnant! YEAH!

What wonderful and terrifying news all at once! This will be my very first child and my husband and I's first child together and I'm sure all you mommies out there can comprehend the gammit of emotions I'm experiencing - wonder, terror, anxiety, joy, excitement, shock, disbelief, and grace, among many others. But, it's also hard for me to express all of how and what I'm feeling and I think it very necessary to share something somewhat personal in relation to this.

I've shared with a few people who I know will read this that until the home pregnancy test on Monday and the doctor's confirmation on Wednesday proved me wrong, I had this nagging feeling that I would not be able to have children of my own. I had even begun to reconcile myself to this thought - taking joy in the thought of adoption and recently, taking incredible joy in having my daughter and grandson here to love. So, why the nagging feeling? Quite simply, because of shameful moments in my past when I have prayed to God not to be pregnant and by His grace, I was not. And, because I had this warped idea that God would punish me in my future for things I had done in my past by not allowing me to ever have children. On one hand, it's humbling to publicly uncover this box I placed God in and have Him prove my thoughts and ideas about Him wrong. On the other hand, it's also incredibly humbling and wonderful that when I least expect it, He bestows new mercy and grace on my life and in the process shatters all my insecurities and misconceptions about who He is.

Everyday, I am more and more aware that my very life itself is an act of God's grace - there is no other reason I am alive but for His grace and glory. Even my name - Janine - means "God is gracious" (as does John, h b, you know - the same form of name?). I am a work of God's grace, wonderfully created in Christ Jesus, and this little boy or girl taking form inside me is truly a blessing and a new expression of God's unmerited grace in my life. So, when you see me, if it seems I have very few or no words to express how I'm feeling, it's because I truly don't. I am still taking it all in. And for once, I think silent wonder is more than appropriate. There will be plenty of time for talking and writing over the next nine months. But for now, I am without words.

an easy riddle for you

2006-03-29T10:38:00.000-08:00

What's currently the size of a raspberry,
will arrive sometime in November,
is a complete surprise and still a blessing in every way,
is spoken of in a roundabout way on this blog post,
is still sort of freaking me out,
has me wondering what in the world God is up to now,
and has just been confirmed today?

I invite anyone and everyone to take their best guess and watch for the answer as well as

updates in the blog editions to come!

it's not easy being green - no matter which shade of green you are!

2006-03-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

You Are Teal Green

You are a one of a kind, original person.

There's no one even close to being like you.

Expressive and creative, you have a knack for making the impossible possible.

While you are a bit offbeat, you don't scare people away with your quirks.

Your warm personality nicely counteracts any strange habits you may have.

What Color Green Are You?

feelin' like a kool kat

2006-03-24T09:54:00.000-08:00

IT'S FRIDAY!!!!!

MY ABSOLUTE, MOST FAVORITE DAY!!!!!

a moment to treasure

2006-03-23T20:41:00.000-08:00

I don't know how many more writings I can post about my new family life before everyone starts to get really tired of reading them, but it's just so darn good and I just can't seem to stop writing about it! So, indulge and rejoice with me a little more as I share how God is working in my family and continues to amaze this heart of mine.

This is a picture of a beautifully precious note Jamie wrote to me late Tuesday morning. I was in my bedroom getting laundry ready to wash and look up to see my sweet grandson in the doorway, holding out a note in his hand. At first glance, I'm thinking - oops, he got a hold of a personal note that he shouldn't have and now he's bringing it to me. Then, I notice it says From Jamie. So, I open it and read - Dear Janine ....... By the time I finish reading her note, I am nearly in tears. Her and I have not necessarily been on pins and needles with each other, but there has definitely been a level of boundary between us and some lines I did not want to take it upon myself to cross - ie. calling her stepdaughter rather than daughter and not really knowing how she feels about hugs, etc. So, she took a leap and expressed her feelings to me (there's that bravery thing again) and in one small note, those few boundaries are gone. I walk into her room and give her a big, long hug and tell her immediately that she is always free to tell me anything. I tell her that we may not always agree or may have to talk over some things, but that she should never fear telling me anything ever. So, we sit and talk for about an hour and a half on her bed, ocassionally interrupted by the little one, but it is a sweet time. I tell her how much I appreciate her writing me a note (particularly a note; writing is something that touches me deeply) and how much I will cherish it and how happy I am to have her and Ryan here. We talk about being women, about why she doesn't enjoy reading, about making a plan to start reading together and tackling the problems she has understanding and comprehending the words she reads, about how I want her to know that Jerry and I's home is hers and Ryan's as well and that she is always free to voice her opinion and that we welcome her thoughts and ideas, that she doesn't have to feel alone or by herself, about her time spent in front of the television and her own bed- and bathtimes, about the life and loved ones she left behind in California, and that I love her very much, among many other things.

The rest of the day is like a dream. The laundry is forsaken because other errands are of more importance. We go grocery shopping and while I'm bringing in the bags, she is putting the groceries away and microwaving lunch for Ryan. When I try to help put the groceries away, she tells me to sit down - that she has the putting away of the groceries under control. Even though it seems a little backwards to be bossed around by a 19-year-old, I concede the task over to her. When I pick Jerry up from work, I share the events of the day and he rejoices with me and tells me he already sort of knew about her plan to talk to me! I actually make dinner for my family (a formerly rare occurrence) and while I'm doing so, Jerry is running laundry down to the laundromat. After dinner and putting Ryan to bed, I make brownies, have a laundry folding party with my husband and daughter and talk to my brother who is celebrating his 23rd birthday! Jamie offers to take care of the dirty dinner dishes and gets into the bath at 11 so she will be in bed by midnight (which is something we talked about in our earlier conversation).

It's a sad and strange thought to me that some of these ideas are foreign to her - being free to share how she feels, feeling welcome both in relationship and welcome to have and share opinions and ideas of her own, the feeling of being in a safe and committed home environment where she herself can have some focused attention and affection, the feeling of being in a place where she can actually have some peace and quiet and raise her son, and the calm freedom to ponder the possibilities of what a better life for herself and her son could and might actually look like.

How did I end up a part of this? I am overwhelmed, sometimes in disbelief, and continually tackled by the grace of it all. Who is this girl and who am I that she would allow me to call her "daughter" and want my hugs? I pray that through and in all of this, she would come to know Christ's incredible, infinite, and unconditional love for her, that she would come to know and trust Him, and see that He is the reason for all the love I have for her. He loves her infinitely more than I or anyone else on this earth ever could and I pray that she would come to a knowledge of that truth more than anything!

Thank you, Lord, for this sweet gift of a moment that I will treasure and hold close for the rest of my life and for all that You are doing that has yet to be revealed. At this moment, I am still, silent, and in complete awe of You.

abundant blessings

2006-03-16T13:38:00.000-08:00

I read today on another blog (I hope she doesn't mind my continuing to refer to her blog) a prayer that “you get overtaken, tackled and overwhelmed by God's blessings today” in response to a passage she read in Deuteronomy that “if you diligently obey the voice of the Lord your God and carefully observe all His commandments, all these blessings will come upon you and overtake you.” So, sort of in response to what she has shared and because I would have shared this anyway, I’d like to rejoice over how God has been tackling and overwhelming me with blessings!

Well, to start with, this week has been like beginning to see the light at the end of a long, difficult tunnel as it relates to my work situation. Today is my Friday and I am gearing up for a much needed four-day weekend and some time away with a couple of my best girlfriends. I am SO very excited! Let me explain.

I’m starting to get to a point at work where I might actually **get caught up** so I am experiencing an exhilarating sense of joyful delight at the daily appearance of a new area of my desk that I haven’t seen in quite some time! If I could, I’d memorialize each of the moments when the desk reappeared by writing the date and time on each area! And, a few weeks ago, one of our interns got the honor of setting up all my new annual billing files for me and that was such a big deal because I had a very large “to file” pile and couldn’t do anything with it. I can’t stand to have things “to file” piling up for weeks and weeks, but it’s kind of at the bottom of the list when it comes to my work priorities; so until I got some help it had to wait. That was really the first pile of stuff to disappear from my desk. It’s been a little bit of disappearing magic each day since then.

The most beautiful blessing by far this week at work was when I had my annual review with my boss yesterday. At my first counseling appointment almost two months ago, I addressed a lot of the work-related depression issues I’ve been dealing with. One of the assignments the therapist gave me was to talk to my boss about particular issues at work and at least let her be aware of them, even if it turned out there wasn’t an immediate solution to the problem. Well, knowing my annual review was coming up, I had some time to prepare and think about what I wanted to say, how to say it and to pray for wisdom, guidance, boldness, and that my boss would be receptive and understanding to what I had to say. The agency also has us complete a preparation questionnaire to go through with our supervisor at the time of the review. I was still pretty nervous and a little anxious yesterday when the time finally came for my review, but I felt confident in what I was prepared to say and that I was doing what God would have me do, whatever the outcome or the reception from my boss.

Well, it went really well! It has to be the best review I’ve had by far. Not that I’ve ever had bad ones, per se, but I definitely felt more comfortable and confident to honestly and freely express my thoughts without dwelling on the outcome this year. And, what I had to say was both well received, appreciated, and affirmed by my boss. And, we talked about the issues I’ve had and what can be done to resolve them. We even talked about a part of my job that may need to be completely eliminated from the agency because the pay-off may not be worth the time and effort we’re putting in to it. Until now, I’ve always felt nervous about seriously looking at giving this part of my work up because I was afraid I’d talk myself out of a job. (There’s that not-trusting-God thing.) I can’t begin to express how large of a burden has been lifted from me, how much brighter the world suddenly appeared, and how deep was the sigh of relief when I walked out of her office. It was satisfying to know that my hard work and persistence is beginning to reap rewards.

And so, to celebrate, one of my bestest girlfriends ever – Laura - and I are going out of town to visit a mutual friend in Arkansas over the coming weekend! Our friend, Whitney, is a married mother of one, soon-to-be-two! and we don’t get to visit with her very often. She and her family come to town every so often and we’ll have girls’ nights out together, but this weekend is sure to be unprecedented and may never happen again for a very long time because if everything works out, the three of us girls will get to slumber party out by ourselves on Saturday night. WOO-HOO! We’re actually staying with Whitney and her family in their home Friday night. Then Saturday night, Laura and I got a hotel room in Little Rock and it’s looking good for Whitney to get to take off her mommy hat off for the night and spend some major girl time with us! I cannot wait! I’ve told this to both of them several times (it’s become sort of like our little “joke” because I say it nearly everytime we all get together and have even had to promise them I won’t go into my little speech), but really - I know how very blessed I am to have these two incredible women in my life. I’ve never had friends like them and they are the truest, most loyal, Godly, sweet, tell-it-like-it-is-with-love, challenging, encouraging, laugh out loud till our sides hurt, there-for-you-through-thick-and-thin, heart friends God could have ever blessed me with. I prayed a long time for friends like them and I have found my cup unable to contain all the blessing that they are to me!

So, this weekend, I will celebrate the blessings of sweet friendship and love, of all the majesty and mystery of who God is, the joy of our friend’s second pregnancy, the joy of being women, the joy of who God has made us to be, and all those things that girls do when they get together and just get to be daughters of the King.

janine breaks out from MIT!

2006-03-15T07:24:00.000-08:00

OK, I borrowed this fun idea from a fellow blogger. A fun, mindless, Google game for you. Here's how you get started: go to Google, type in "[your name] needs", and see what comes up. Here's what my search told me "I needed":

Janine needs to fulfill the order. (of wine, that is)
Janine needs yoga. (boy, do I ever!)
Janine needs a room she can go wild in (um, no comment on this one!)
Janine needs to warm up to her co-workers (I already have, so what’s the problem now?)
Janine needs help. (yep, pretty much)
Janine needs a place to live. (bigger and better, baby! my family has doubled in size and we need some room for our bad selves!)
Janine needs to pay some money. (get in line)
Janine needs helpers and volunteers. (anyone want to volunteer to do my job or help me go back to school?)
Janine needs a title. (for my new book about my time as a billing assistant, open to suggestions!)
Janine needs to have things repeated (I must already be going senile in my young age)

And my very favorite one of all -

Janine needs to take some time off from MIT (being brilliant is such hard and demanding work! see ya after spring break!)

humor for the desperate working woman

2006-03-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

I received the following in an e-mail from a fellow co-worker and just had to put it out here.

I'm keeping this idea in a safe place.

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "CRAZY" then he would tell me to take a few days off. So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing and I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was "CRAZY" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days". I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

walking with God

2006-03-12T08:48:00.000-08:00

A while back now, during Rivendell @ TU, we talked about Phillip and his encounter with the Ethiopian. This story has really been sticking with me and I can’t get away from it. Well, then again, I’m not really trying to. God is using this story, and my encounter with it that Sunday morning, three-fold in my life - to show me where I’ve been, where I’m at, and small pieces of where He’s taking me.

I’m just coming to a realization that most of my life, I have been trying to prepare myself or to be ready for whatever God would have me do. For me, this means that I’ve been trying to prepare for a life that I’m thinking God is calling me to (or maybe even one that I desire for Him to call me to) and at the same time, not realizing or living out the life He has called me to. I’ve never been clear as to a particular “call” by God on my life and until recently, I’ve always felt a lot of pressure to find that one, elusive thing God has purposed me for. And, after visiting with a friend of mine a couple Saturdays ago, I know I’m not alone in my feeling.

We shared how in our former church experiences, being “called to the ministry” (whether as a missionary, a pastor, a pastor’s wife, or any lifetime ministry career) was sort of exalted and put on a pedestal as being the most incredible thing God could call you to do. I remember feeling those people had to be really special to be called by God to do something so demanding (and I’m nearly confident that they are) and I wanted to be one of them because it seemed to me that nothing else was as significant or important. Simply working in an office has never seemed like something God could possibly "call" me to or intend for me. (I'm sensing a little of my pride showing through. But, let me also explain that my grandparents were missionaries most of their lives, my dad spent most of his childhood in Brazil, I have an aunt and uncle and several of their children - my cousins - who have been and are going into the mission field. Maybe these things contributed to the pressure and expectations I felt? Just a thought. One summer, my aunt and uncle almost took me back to Brazil with them for a year, but I remember even then feeling like I needed to be more prepared and definitely couldn’t be away from my family that long.) I also remember in high school and particularly during my senior year feeling like I really had to have it all figured out – like I was expected to go to college, supposed to know exactly what profession I was going into, and do the best I could to make it happen. AND, if I didn’t, I was made to feel like something was wrong in my relationship with God because He was supposed to make everything clear to me if I was following Him correctly and so if He didn’t make it clear, it was somehow my fault. Well, I honestly didn’t know what God or I wanted to do with my life back then. I had no clue. And, I wasn’t mature enough yet to break the reality of this to those I loved and who loved me, so in my immaturity and utter confusion and frustration, I rebelled and my whole, not-so-perfect world came crashing down around my family and I. In many ways, it seems like my relationship with Christ started over, or maybe only truly began for the first time, when it happened.

But, I still sometimes find myself thinking about what might have been. What if I missed out on what God had originally intended for me because of my sinfulness and rebellion? What if I missed out on that one thing He purposed me for? But, then another thought comes to my mind - hasn’t God fashioned me for a lifetime of “good works,” (see Ephesians 2:10) not just one HUMONGOUS “good work?” (OK, I realize that a lifetime can be considered one “good work,” primarily the work of following God over an entire lifetime, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about one event, a profession, a particular career, etc. ) This leads me down towards another idea, if you’ll indulge me for just a moment. If there were only one thing we were designed and destined for, we’d be off the hook for everything else, right? And then we could focus all our time and attention on that one thing, right? But, there would also be a lot of pressure to perfectly accomplish that one thing? WOW!!! What a lot of pressure! And, what if you don’t ever discover the one thing God has purposed you for? Welcome to the world formerly-and-still-occasionally-known-as-my-own. What a nightmare! It’s a hard and impossible life to live for a number of reasons which I won't even try to go into here and now.

God has taught me (and is still teaching me) the beauty of a lifetime of walking with Him, rather than a few, fleeting moments of perceived greatness. The first time this really started to hit home for me was during another eye-opening service at Rivendell @ TU when I realized that Abraham’s life was great not just because of his faithfulness in the test of sacrificing Isaac, but because of how God developed His faith over a period of time! He walked with God over a period of time. It’s hard for me because I have so wanted to feel like my life has a particular direction and purpose that encompasses more than simply walking with God or have longed for that one single moment of perceived spiritual greatness. (That sounds really terrible, doesn’t it? What could be better or more beautiful than simply walking with Him?) But, as things are beginning to manifest themselves in my life, it suddenly seems that in learning to walk with and walking with God, He has been preparing me for these things that are coming all along. What a mysterious and wonderful God we serve! As I’m writing this, I am just in awe of Him and the beautiful way He works!

For me, hearing the story of Phillip and the Ethiopian was not so much of a wake-up call as it was a curtain being pulled back revealing a hidden treasure for me at this moment in my life. As I continue walking with God in the life He’s given me, it's a reminder not to forget to walk and not grow inpatient as His plans unfold. As in the story of Phillip and the Ethiopian, God gave him step-by-step directions. But, the plans weren’t all laid out at once, as in an instruction manual. And, each step required faith and an act of the will and trust on Phillip’s part. We never know if Phillip worried about being unprepared or incapable or if he questioned God’s reasoning. It doesn’t appear that Phillip made it about himself at all. We only know he followed God and when the time came, God was more than prepared and capable to direct Phillip in what he should do and say.

I will seek You in the morning
And I will learn to walk in Your ways
And, step-by-step, You'll lead me
And I will follow You all of my days

May God continue to grow your faith and your knowledge of Him wherever you are, teach you to walk with Him and trust and rejoice that His ways are higher than your own.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge Him
and He will make your paths straight
~ Proverbs 3:5-6

some hearts like mine

2006-03-08T06:58:00.000-08:00

Well, this post has been a couple weeks in the making. I haven't really had a chance to talk to anybody for any length of time about how things are going with my stepdaughter and grandson, but now, I'm to the point of overflowing with things to share!

A couple weeks ago, I took my stepdaughter, Jamie, and the girl I mentor, Jessica, out together on a Friday night to see Eight Below. The two girls really have so very much in common and I thought they would easily hit it off, so I decided to introduce them. (I was quite nervous about this, but God blessed the introduction and I know there will be many more girls' nights for the three of us together.) The night before, I called Jessica to make sure she was available and would be able to go see the movie with us. When I got off the phone and many times in the 24 hours prior to the movie, I was overwhelmed and brought to tears by how blessed and honored I am to have these two incredible girls in my life. Four years ago, if you had told me what my life would look like today, I might not have believed you, especially the part where Jamie and her son come to live with us! These girls are a blessing to me and it is such a joy to be part of their lives!

One of my favorite moments the night we went to see the movie was being in the truck with the girls that reminded me of moments I've shared with my mom. I turned the radio to a country station for fun and there were moments when we were all singing along together. It brought back so many sweet memories of my mom and I driving together and singing songs in the car. What really amazes me is that neither of the girls felt so shy or inhibited that they wouldn't sing in front of someone they didn't know. I just thought that was so very beautiful in itself. I still haven't quite got over those moments.

The first girls' night went so very well. I enjoyed watching the interaction between the two of them and Jamie seemed to laugh the night away. It seems already like a bond has formed between all of us that I pray God will continue to strengthen and grow.

Now, last Friday, just Jamie and I went out together. Friday night has become my "date night" with her. She stays home with her son all week, so I want to make sure we get out of the apartment at least once a week to just be girls. I have had a gift certificate to a place here in Tulsa called Beaded Sisters that I have been waiting to use with Jessica. But, again, this is a mutual interest of the two girls because Jamie likes to make beaded things as well. So, we decided to use some of my gift certificate and go make ourselves some necklaces and bracelets. It was a lot of fun! And, Jamie is so very sweet. She mentioned needing to bring Jessica the next time around and I was so thankful and glad to hear her say it. Jamie finished her two items before I had even finished laying out my necklace to string. She's so fast! Or maybe I'm just that much of a perfectionist still. Hmmmm. We also got out of Beaded Sisters for a LOT less than I was expecting. So much so that even when we go back with Jessica, we probably still will not use all of my gift certificate! After leaving Beaded Sisters, we went to dinner at a Mexican place called Arizona's and I introduced Jamie to queso. I couldn't believe she had never tried queso before! And, I admit it took some convincing to get her to take her first bite. But, once she tried it, she was hooked. Since it turned out to be somewhat of a short night, we decided to just rent some movies and go home after dinner.

My grandson, Ryan, is just a sweet bundle of joy, for the most part. :-) The other day, we watched as he scolded our kitties for fighting with each other. He was so serious, shaking his finger at them and still talking a jumbled mysterious language. Last night, he kept crawling into this box, playing hide and seek with me and I enjoyed tickling him and hearing his sweet laughter. A few nights ago, he and Jamie were outside in the courtyard of our apartment building when my husband and I got home from work. I chased him, while he giggled away - nearly into the street. It scared me to death! I yelled at him to stop at least three times before finally catching him and sweeping him up into my arms and looking at him very seriously while Jamie sprinted towards us. He sometimes is watching the TV then looks at one or all of us, points, and it seems like he's trying to explain something to us, but we can't for the life of us understand any of it. He dances sometimes when he eats. He runs back and forth in our apartment like our cats do, really. He sort of dances when he walks most times. And, he is one tough cookie. He's too sweet for words to adequately express and his smile is definitely contagious.

Now, after all this, I still have one last thing to share. I received a CD for Christmas called Some Hearts, the debut CD by Carrie Underwood. And, I love it! The first night I went out with Jamie, which was less than a week after they arrived, I was playing this CD in the truck. The title song - Some Hearts was playing and when I really listened to the lyrics, I couldn't help but think of my new family situation.

Here are some parts (well, actually most) of the song that really catch my heart's breath when I hear it -
I've never been the kind that you'd call lucky
Always stumbling' around in circles
But I must have stumbled into something...
I wake up feeling like my life's worth living
Can't recall when I last felt that way
Guess it must be all this love you're giving
Never knew never knew it could be like this
But I guess
Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Now who'd have thought someone like you could love me
You're the last thing my heart expected
Who'd have thought I'd ever find somebody
Someone who someone who makes me feel like this
Well I guess
Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Even hearts like mine
Get lucky, lucky sometimes
Even hearts like mine, oh....
Some hearts
They just get all the right breaks
Some hearts have the stars on their side
Some hearts,
They just have it so easy
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes
Some hearts just get lucky sometimes

Now, I believe it's more than simply a stroke of luck that is behind this incredible blessing of Jamie and Ryan being here, the financial ability to do so, and why things are going so very well. I just feel very lucky and blessed to have my husband, Jamie and Ryan in my life. In fact, I feel lucky that we have each other. And it's not at all what I expected. It's infinitely more. Thank you, Lord, for this incredible gift! I don't know why You would choose a heart like mine to bestow so much mercy, grace, love, and joy upon, but I am eternally humbled and grateful.

frappuccino disaster

2006-03-03T09:48:00.000-08:00

Funny story. Really. I get to work this morning with my little convenience store bottle of mocha frappuccino (because I'm trying to limit myself, not spend so much money and also do my figure a favor) and some munchies for a quick and light breakfast - the sun is shining, I got to drive to work and listen to my music on the way to work, I overcame the urge more than once to yell or get mad at someone on the road on the way to work and just enjoyed myself (very rare event for me), and above all else - it's Friday, so I'm feeling pretty happy and content. I get to work, turn on my computer, set all my stuff down, begin to get in the groove and get a little organized. I shake up the frappuccino a few times to get it mixed up. A few minutes later, I grab the bottle again to shake it up one more time before actually drinking it and without warning, it goes everywhere!!! - all over my cubicle, all over my computer screen, the keyboard, every nook and cranny the drops of mocha can fly and squeeze themselves into, all over me, my clothes (even through to my bra!), the floor of my cubicle, in my hair, all over papers that are sitting on my desk - ok, I think you've got the picture. It's a sticky, mocha mess, and at first, I just stand there in shock. (I later realized that when I first shook the frappuccino, I also opened it and didn't completely replace the cap. What a dork, I know. :-)

I walk several times to the bathroom and back with wads of wet paper towel, trying to clean up the mess in my cubicle, not even trying to clean myself up because I know that my clothes are a lost cause for now. I get the majority of the frappuccino cleaned up out of my cubicle and am still trying to figure out what to do about myself. I can't work all day in sticky clothes, plus it's in my hair and despite my best efforts with the wet paper towels, my face is still sticky. So I go and tell my boss that I need to go home to take a shower and change my clothes. I will be coming back, even though I really feel like I deserve to go home and stay after this little fiasco. (I know, I'm sort of a wimp every now and then. What's a little mocha frappuccino disaster? It's not like the end of the world or anything.)

So, my stepdaughter and grandson get a little surprise visit from me this morning and I get a little interruption in my not-so-well-planned-out-day. It actually made for a nice, little break to go home, get all cleaned up, get to drive a little more in the sun, and find a birthday gift for my boss. Oh, yeah, did I mention today was my boss' birthday? Well, it is. So, at least I was able to give her a little laugh on her birthday and now, even I can laugh about it. Although I couldn't quite laugh about it at the time - even though I knew in a few hours, I would be able to. Does that make sense? I'm still just not always the kind of person that can laugh at herself while there is still frappuccino to clean up and she just happens to be wearing half of the bottle of it.

But you know what's really cool about all this, now that I think about it? In spite of my little fiasco, it's still Friday, it's still a beautiful day outside, and I'm enjoying every moment of just being alive and human today!

2006-03-01T06:18:00.000-08:00

I am thrilled and excited to announce the arrival of a new Tulsa........

MAGAZINE !

A wonderful and long-time friend has been working several years on putting together a magazine to highlight the "people who work, live, and dream" in the North Tulsa community, as well as just celebrate uniquely Tulsa and Oklahoma traditions and history.

Well, her dream is finally coming to fruition and I cannot wait to see her first edition! I am excited to see the impact her magazine and work will have not only in the community of North Tulsa, but all of Tulsa. It has been a long, demanding, and exhausting process, but she has seen it through and I am incredibly proud and delighted to see her long-time dream finally going to print.

I invite you to take a look at the North Tulsa Magazine website and to get excited for this new addition to the celebration of Tulsa's community, culture, history, and traditions!

Olympic Ice

2006-02-22T07:42:00.000-08:00

OK, I'll admit it. I still dream of being an ice princess, and I'm a wee bit addicted to the Olympic Women's figure skating competitions. I absolutely love watching the women in their beautiful ice outfits, gliding gracefully across the ice, jumping triple-toe-loops and -lutzes, and landing back on the ice as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

I locked myself in my bedroom for a little alone time last night and was held captive by the figure skating short program competition. One thing I always enjoy is hearing the more-in-depth stories of the Olympic athletes. Their stories are incredible to me. I have never been the athletic type, but I can certainly relate to stories of triumph, perseverance, pursuing your dreams, growing up - many of the ideas that are talked about when the Olympics come around. And Sasha Cohen's story is no exception. Before she skated, they told a story of a girl who had fallen in pursuit of gold many times, a girl who was a prodigal figure skater of sorts - chasing down several coaches in pursuit of the magic she desired to bring to her skating, and of a girl who grew up and finally found her way back home to the coach who knows her best.

She was the last woman to skate in the short program last night. And, as she skated, I cheered her on (I know - I'm nuts. It's like my football. I scream, cheer, get excited, the whole bit) and held my breath. Every jump she nailed, a little bit more relief and a bigger smile. She was beaming by the time she finished her program and for good reason - she ended up in first place out of 29 and after a long pursuit - all her hard work, growing up, and perseverance paid off. It was a beautifully sweet moment.

It kinda makes me laugh to think how the Olympic stories move me. They have never moved me to think that I could truly accomplish anything athletic (I guess I'm just not geared that way). But, they do move me to think that I can certainly accomplish anything I set my mind to and that God at work in me can accomplish even more - not in a self-serving way, but in a way that is completely about Him, is incredibly humble, and always hopes.

update on my mom

2006-02-22T07:34:00.000-08:00

I talked with my mom this morning and she gave me the great news that her tests had come back saying the abnormality they originally found and ran the extra tests for was benign. Praise the Lord! And because of what she has gone through, it has compelled my aunt to go forward with some recommended tests that she should have done over a year ago for some of the same issues. We will wait, hope, and see how hers come out. Thanks to those of you who have been praying for and thinking of my mom. This is an incredible blessing!

2006-02-21T12:23:00.000-08:00

How I feel today.

How I wish I felt today.

on another note

2006-02-15T09:33:00.000-08:00

Please pray for my mom. I won't go into too many details here (because for one, I don't have them), but what I do know is that for Valentine's Day my mom had some extra, uncomfortable tests done to investigate an abnormality in her breast. I am praying that the tests come back saying nothing is seriously wrong, but I know that she is concerned and even though she told me, she didn't want to talk about it too much. Pray that God would comfort her heart and help her not to worry. I know that no matter what happens, God is good and we will praise Him either way.

Happy un-Valentine's Day!

2006-02-15T08:21:00.001-08:00

Happy, Happy un-Valentine's Day to you! I hope you all had a wonderful day yesterday on the annual "day of luhve!"

Not only did I have the joy of celebrating with my husband at a wonderful concert, I got to carry on a tradition which is probably not that uncommon among families. My mom used to always set out little treats for my brother and I on Valentine's Day and I always felt so very special. It didn't matter to me if anyone else did anything for me, but my mom always made sure we knew how much she loved us. (Thanks, Mom! I love you to the moon and back!) One year, I remember my dad sent me yellow roses at school and that threw me over the edge of happiness. :-) My husband, on the other hand, was not brought up in the same traditions as I was, so this is all a little new for him still. He definitely has issues with how commercialized Valentine's Day is and rebels nearly every year, much to my disappointment. I'm truly a sucker (maybe a slave) for all those beautiful red roses and cards - the very gifts which seem to elude me every year. Waah! OK, I'm off my pathetic, whiny box now......... So, anyways, I got to do a few things for my new roomates to carry on my mom's tradition of love and I really enjoyed it. (If you've ever read The Five Love Languages, you must know that my "love language" is that of receiving gifts. It's how I enjoy showing my love and how I enjoy receiving love.) We didn't go over-the-top, just a little something to say how happy my husband and I are to have my stepdaughter and her son with us. It was fun! :-)

Also, I just enjoyed reflecting on the love of God and what His word has to say about love, so I'll leave you with a few of His words on the subject -

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
~ Ephesians 3:17-19

By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
~ John 13:35

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?... No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
~ Romans 8:35, 37-39

Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law.
~ Romans 13:10

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
~ I Corinthians 13:13

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.
~ Ephesians 5:1-2

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
~ Hebrews 10:24

Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.
~ 1 Peter 4:8

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death.
~ 1 John 3:14

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.
~ 1 John 4:7

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law.
~ Romans 13:8

singing a brave lifesong

2006-02-15T07:21:00.000-08:00

For Valentine's Day, my husband and I got to have a date night last night and went to see Casting Crowns, Nicole Nordeman, and Josh Bates in concert at the Mabee Center. Very wonderful concert. Even my husband enjoyed it. :-) I, of course, was excited to hear Nicole Nordeman sing my life's seeming theme song - Brave. I know she wrote the song out of the experience of having her first child, but when I first heard it, I could only hear my own heart crying out to the Lord of my desire to live a brave life - to be unafraid of taking risks, to love courageously, to be vulnerable, to speak unashamedly of my Savior to others, to face failure, embrace my weaknesses and God's incredible strength and power at work in me and through me to others, to dare to hope, believe, and have faith for the "impossible" in my life and others', to embrace God's dreams for the community around me, to fully embrace God's love for me and others, to not be afraid to let God shine His light into the deepest parts of my heart, to fully know and accept God and to allow Him to fully know and accept me - the list could go on and on. There are so many things that run through my mind when I hear this song and the idea of "being brave" resonates so clearly in my life right now. I enjoyed hearing Nicole play the piano and sing the songs that God has written on her heart and being able to share these moments with my husband.

Casting Crowns really sets up their concerts more like a worship service by having the lyrics on a big screen onstage so everyone can sing along and my husband really enjoyed that. I also love the sound of hundreds of people singing one song altogether because it always compels me to think of what heaven will be like (maybe that's the real reason I'm such a concert junkie). Everyone singing the same song to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. What a beautiful sound that is going to be someday. Can you hear it?

Casting Crowns' song Lifesong really gets to me, too. I felt very convicted by something Mark Hall, the lead singer of Casting Crowns, said last night. He said something to the effect of - when I'm having a beautiful day, am I worshipping a nice day or the One who created the nice day? I know it's a simple thought, but one that really grabbed me because it suddenly seemed very clear to me how often I truly worship the good days instead of God. Particularly now - when the good days are sometimes hard for me to find even when they're right in front of my face - I may thank God in my heart for the beautiful days, but I realized last night that I'm really more thankful just for a break from the fighting of depression and despair on those good days. I don't dare to have all the answers, but one thing I do is desire to have a life that worships and sings to the Lord - not just a few days, a few moments, a few good years or events - but an entire life. I have to get over the fact that my life here on earth is not going to be perfect and that I will never live every moment perfectly - because as another incredible woman I know has said and thought similarly before - if I lived perfectly, why would I or the world need Jesus? I am continually brought to my knees and back to the realization that this life and this process of becoming perfect is not something I can do on my own - "it's too big for me, it's something only God can do, and I have to trust Him to do it, I could never do it for myself no matter how hard and long I worked and that trusting Him to do it is what gets me set right with God by God."

So, today and everyday my prayer is that God will continue to grow within me the courage and bravery to let my lifesong sing to Him.

one lunch break every week

2006-02-13T09:47:00.000-08:00

Along with my stepdaughter and her son, I have had another girl in my life that has come to mean a lot to me. I've connected with her through a local program called Going to the Arts for Tulsa Kids. It's a mentoring program in the public schools for at-risk youth. The program involves a mentor who meets with their student once a week during school hours and local artists who come in once a week to teach different artistic aspects such as music, visual arts, dance, etc. I've been a part of the program for over a year now, and have had the blessing and opportunity of developing a relationship with the girl I mentor outside of school. She will be 15 this year, and she is just an incredible young woman! We have volunteered our time together through Animal Aid, we have seen and discussed a couple of movies (including the Chronicles of Narnia and March of the Penguins) together, we have completed a few of our own ingenious artsy projects, and have just shared lots of girl and talk time over the past year and a half.

This past weekend, we got together and finished this project we’d been working on since around Thanksgiving. It was a collage of things that we are thankful for that included clippings of pictures, words, stickers - whatever we could get our hot little hands on. It started as one little piece of poster board. Then, we decided to add another piece of poster board because we kept finding things to add to it. It is a crazy picture. There is a picture of her and I on there, pictures of her beloved dogs, some little kitty stickers, lots of words, quotes, flowers, a flying pig, a donkey, a bookcase full of books, kids drinking bottled water, and a small, covered up picture of a turkey that we laughed about uncontrollably, till our sides hurt, because it looked like a terd. :-)

We have become like good friends. For Christmas, I dared to buy a frame that said “Friends” on it and put a picture in it of her and I from the night we went to see Chronicles of Narnia. When I dropped her off at home on Saturday, I told her I would have our completed collage picture framed as soon as possible. She looked at me, smiled, and just said, “Janine, we both know it’ll take another five months for you to get the picture framed!” I couldn’t help but laugh with her. She has seen my procrastinating and sometimes very forgetful side. I’ve apologized many times for my failings and shortcomings to her and she sometimes laughs at me, as if to say, “Why are you being so serious? It’s OK, Janine!”

She is another part of my week that I look forward to. No matter what is going on, I never forget to take that lunch break moment out of my week to go visit with her. She starts up a conversation without any problem and I have had to learn to listen more than talk. She has surprised me with her initiative and even a little bit of new, genuine hunger for learning – after seeing the Chronicles of Narnia, her brother went out and bought her the single-volume book collection and she has read a couple of the stories on her own already! She is incredibly sweet and wise, longing for the day when she can spread her own wings and really fly.

I am so honored to be a part of her life and I hope someday she realizes that she has taught me just as much, if not more, than anything I could ever possibly teach her.

my new roomates

2006-02-13T06:43:00.000-08:00

Well, this first week with my new roomates has been an interesting, sometimes tiring, and blissfully joyful one. Who knew that there was anything better than simply coming home to my husband and my kitties? Well, a little boy who greets us with smiles and coos the minute my husband and I walk through the door in the evening and his mommy smiling to see another adult face for the first time since she woke up in the morning says there is and they are. It thrills my heart to no end just to go to work each morning, think all day about getting home to see them, and walking through that door each evening. They have captured my heart and my love and I just know that it is I who am the lucky one to have them in my life. I can't even begin to wrap my head around all that God is up to, but it has to be good.

My stepdaughter and I had our first girls only night out on Friday. We had dinner and saw Nanny McPhee, which was hilarious and a lot better than I expected! (Very magical and a beautiful story. I may even have to buy it when it comes out on DVD.) We also had some good time to just hang out and talk a little. I'm still feeling my way around our relationship, but she has been pretty open and honest with me and hasn't been offended by any of the questions I've asked her. She has some wisdom and attitudes that have caught me by surprise, but also still acts and thinks like a child about other things. And, with the slowness of her mind, some lines seem to have gotten even more blurred than other ones. It's very hard to explain yet.

I'm enjoying the journey of getting to know her and love her. She reminds me of my husband in so many ways, but is also very much her own person. Saturday night, she mentioned wanting to go to the store to buy some OU Sooner outfits she had seen, so I said, "OK, let's go." Now, if this were my husband, he would have said, "No, later. I don't want to get out right now." But, she was so excited and, I think, thankful to get out of the house again. And, we went to the store and shopped - all for her son! We left for one outfit and came home with a small beginners' drum set (which thrilled my husband), four complete outfits, and a few other alphabet toys we found for him. :-) We both agreed it's not something we should do everytime we go to the store and we definitely agreed when it was time to get out of the kiddos' sections and run for the cashier. :-) One thing I have missed over the past few years is having shopping days with my mom or a good girlfriend. It's definitely a blessing for me to have another woman in the house, and this is only one reason why. She is a blessing in so many ways that my heart can't seem to contain it all!

The little one is too cute for words! And, yes, I know - I'm a grandma! I've captured a few cute pics of him on my wonderful camera phone and even though he seems shy now, just you wait! He coos and mumbles in an unknown language, chases the kitties around the apartment, sometimes picks them up by their fur and skin and hands them to me, is a little on the clumsy side, can be very tidy and clean, has secret ambitions of working behind the counter at Taco Bueno (as we discovered last night), and loves his security sheet. Yes, you heard me right - sheet, not blanket. His smile just melts my heart and he is definitely going to be spoiled to the brink of rottenness. I love this precious boy. He's not too squishy, but he is definitely huggably, lovably, little boy goodness. :-)

What a week! Is it time to go home yet?

online article surfing

2006-02-10T11:06:00.000-08:00

I found this incredible article online today and just had to share it. Read all the way to the end. It's pretty incredible! Certainly nothing is impossible with God!

Also, I came across this very interesting article about a case in Italy over proof of the existence of Jesus.

tomorrow

2006-02-10T07:00:00.000-08:00

OK, ya'll! TOMORROW I will blog! I promise! I am just as anxious to tell you all how the first week with my stepdaughter and her son is going, er.... has gone........ as you all are to hear it. I cannot wait to introduce you all to them on Sunday (with the exception of heartsjoy, wah!) and I'm having my first official girls' night out tonight alone with my stepdaughter. Jerry and the boy will catch some sci-fi, male bonding time.

I will just say that getting used to having so many people around is going to be the biggest adjustment for me. I feel terrible if I want to do anything for myself in the evening - like read, blog, watch a particular show on TV, whatever. I feel a little guilty if I don't spend all my evening time with them. My stepdaughter and her son are home by themselves with the kitties all day, so I feel bad if I just want to have some alone time when I get home in the evening. It's not that I don't want to spend time with them or even want the whole evening to myself. I really want to get to know them both, but I think there are some moments where I just want to retreat and be by myself for a while. This has been probably the hardest thing for me so far. Any thoughts or advice?

OK, I better get to work now. This oughtta hold back the growing unrest and agitation over my lack of blogging for the time being.

It's Friday!

2006-01-27T06:56:00.000-08:00

It's Friday!!!! Do the happy dance!

keeping in touch

2006-01-27T06:28:00.000-08:00

I just wanted to let you know that Laura Anne is journaling online while she and Jason are travelling and ministering. She's written a few entries online and if you aren't familiar with her music, check out her website. From her website, it has a link to her online journal, which is through aol. She's been an encouragement to me and blessed me with her music. I am glad we can keep up with her and support them while they are apart from us and on mission.

Check it out!

easily distracted or what?

2006-01-26T12:34:00.000-08:00

I just realized, for probably the millionth time, how easily distracted I can be sometimes. I went into my purse looking for a specific pen, but noticed how much trash there was in my purse, so I started weeding and tossing it out, taking everything else out in the process. Then, I noticed my fancy lipstick case holder that is clothy and velvety (thanks to Arbonne! :-) and how linty it was, grabbed my tiny lint roller and rolled off the lint, put my lipstick case back in its fancy holder and back in my purse. Then, I started putting everything else back in my purse. Turned back to my computer, happy to have my purse cleaned out a little and paused. You know the pause I mean. The one where you are finally catching up with yourself and realizing that you just spent a few minutes doing something else OTHER than what you originally intended. I just had to laugh at myself and share it with all you wonderful blog readers! :-)

I'm sure I could make some spiritual connections here as well - being easily distracted and all - but I just don't want to right now. How's that for ya?

pretty cool cat

2006-01-20T09:33:00.000-08:00

look into my beautiful eyes.... you are getting very sleepy.....

but, really..... how cool are those eyes?

blessings

2006-01-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

I was on the phone just a few minutes ago with someone and was just suddenly overwhelmed by how God has been blessing me at my job over the past two weeks! As I described in an earlier post, I've been struggling a lot to even come to work (and have been for a while). But in the midst of my struggle, God is teaching me perseverance and is blessing me through it. So, I just want to share a few ways God has been blessing me in my job. This list is in no way exhaustive and I may add things in the days to come, but these few came to my mind this morning as I was on the phone with an insurance company, being blessed once again!

How God has been blessing me at my job –
By granting me favor with the insurance companies and, by total divine intervention, directing me to the right people to talk to that will help me to get claims paid or authorizations in place AFTER the fact
In verbal encouragement and praise from my boss
In written encouragement and praise from others
In showing me that I have the ability to get a lot done when I set my mind to it
In giving me the wisdom to request time off in advance so I can have time off to look forward to, which in turn strengthens my resolve to go to work and get things done
In just the simple joy of having a job to do and a weekend of rest to look forward to
By beginning to develop something within me that I can only describe as an incredible joy and contentment that is new to me; I'm just starting to begin looking forward to coming to work again

I am so grateful for all these incredible gifts! Thank you, Lord!

P.S. I am happy to say I stole this idea of list-making from an incredible SuperMom! :-)

the new family addition

2006-01-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

I am happy to officially announce that my stepdaughter and her son will be here late in the evening on February 4th, and our blissfully married, wonderful, two-person household will become one of four, with ages ranging from 2 to 40. Wow...... Gotta love it.

I have only had a few moments of anxiety so far - realizing that my alone time with my husband will soon be even more limited than it is now, my "single life as a married woman" (as I fondly call the ability to visit with my friends pretty regularly, particularly Laura and Kara) will slow down quite a bit, and just imagining how my life in general is going to change.

But, honestly, I can't imagine very much "bad." Maybe that's not realistic, but I just think the good is going to majorly outweigh any bad. I've already been thinking of next Christmas and anticipating actually having a Christmas morning with my stepdaughter and stepgrandson, thinking about getting to spend time with my stepdaughter and getting to know her, inviting her on girls' night outs, getting to know my stepgrandson and enjoying being able to do things for the both of them. I can't wait for all the fun things we'll get to do together and just to have them as a bigger part of our lives.

In the meantime, please pray for my husband and I as we are preparing our hearts and home for their arrival. It will be here before we know it!

just because

2006-01-18T07:10:00.000-08:00

Just so you all can have something new to read and look at when you come to my blog other than my sad kitty story.

I'm moving on from grief and despair to joy and hope in more ways than one. But, first I need to tell you where I'm coming from.

Last week was sort of a rough week for me. Sometimes I go through these days and weeks and don't talk to anybody about it except God and my husband. Sometimes I e-mail friends and ask them to pray. And, sometimes, in the past, I've stayed home from work in my pajamas all day, doing absolutely nothing and talking to nobody (except for my husband, of course). They are days when I get absolutely nothing done, don't feel like being around anyone, I feel very sad, and I don't really know why. Seriously. Well, last week, I felt this way everyday. Yet, because my husband and I are driving to work together, it's become more an issue of accountability. My husband is not going to leave the apartment without me or without at least asking me, "Are you going to work today?" And, even though I felt like not leaving the house Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday, I did anyway. And, guess what? I went to work, got a lot done, I came to know more about the incredible power of God at work in me in spite of my weaknesses, and I feel like God gave me the strength to persevere in a way I hadn't experienced before.

A song played on the radio Friday when I went to pick up my husband from work. It's a new song by Avalon, and the chorus goes -

Love won't leave you empty-handed
Broken down and somewhere stranded
Love won't leave you hanging on for life
Cause love is, love is always true
God is Love and Love won't leave you

I know without a doubt that God is the only way I made it through last week. When I heard this song, it just reminded me of His love and how He not only didn't leave me alone last week, but provided in ways far beyond what I could imagine.

It's really even hard for me to share this next thought, knowing that a lot of my friends are Christians. I don't think you'll judge me in a bad way or think any less of me, but it's right at the edge of being more "real" than I want anyone to know. I'll just admit that I'm still struggling with this feeling that some, including my mother, have called the dreaded D-word that I'm pretending not to hear. I struggle with my own stigma that since I am a Christian, I should not be depressed - EVER. So, I live in denial or I live in silent pain, neither of which are very good. I've sought help before, but when things start to get better, I move on. This time, after a very loving, severe warning from my mother - whose honesty and frankness I love most in times like these - I am once again seeking help with the desire to completely move beyond this and find and experience real lasting joy in my life.

I would cherish your prayers for healing very much because this is something that has been a part of my life for a while. It comes and goes, sometimes sneaking up on me when I least expect it and other times, I welcome it like an old friend.

Thanks again for listening and for those of you who have endured the moments where I've been my mopy, unhappy self, thanks for still being my friends and loving me in spite of it.

goodbye to Crazy

2006-01-04T20:28:00.000-08:00

Crazy, as we called her, came into my husband and I's lives about four years ago before we were married. She was such a beautiful bluish/gray and I loved her immediately. (I'm pretty much a sucker when it comes to kitties.) At the time, I was moving into a new apartment and already had one kitty of my own and a huge deposit to pay to keep her in my new apartment. Jerry decided to take Crazy in at his apartment so that I would not risk getting into trouble with my new landlords.

I don't even remember if we tried to name her anything else besides Crazy. She lived up to her name by literally climbing the walls, hiding in paper bags and the kitty tower we spoiled her with - observing the world from inside and sometimes attacking our other kitty, running to the door and meowing when we came home from work, chasing nothing in the middle of the night back and forth through a hallway or from room to room, and just being playful in general. In the past few years, she calmed down significantly and would actually come and sit in my or my husband's lap at night and just let us love on her. She was quite a lovable kitty and would just purr away the hours in our laps.

Within the first year we had her, we had to have her spayed. The doctor also ran some bloodwork while she was in the clinic and said she had tested positive for feline leukemia, a fatal feline disease, and recommended we have her put to sleep. We decided to keep her instead.

Then, a few days ago, Crazy got very sick. She stopped eating and apparently stopped drinking. She became very lethargic, losing her usual perkiness and we started to find her laying on either of her sides under the Christmas tree. Finally, on Monday, my husband became very concerned and we took her to the doctor. The doctors took very good care of her, nursed her back from dehydration and malnourishment from not eating.The doctor, Jerry, and I all thought the problem was an infection so they prescribed some antibiotics and food supplements. We picked her up on our way home from work last night and were very encouraged by her seeming rejuvenation and energy. However, when we brought her home last night, she was back to her lethargic spot under the Christmas tree within just a few short hours. This morning, Jerry gave her her first round of antibiotics, her head had perked up a bit, and we left for work.

We came home from work tonight and she was not under the tree where we thought she would be, nor was she near the food and water which we had left out for her. We found her forever asleep on the cool floor of my bathroom, where she liked to follow me and roll around playfully on the bathroom rug. Nothing really prepares you to see your pet the way we found her. I immediately knew she was gone and when Jerry confirmed it, I just could not hold back my tears. I was initally in shock and will never forget the image of her lying on the floor. She is the first pet I've really had to say goodbye to and I am so sad to say goodbye to her tonight.

I am extremely grateful for the doctors who I know did everything they knew to do and for their incredible compassion and sympathy. It makes all the difference to know that someone else cares. When we called the doctor tonight, he offered to not only take care of Crazy, but to find out exactly what had happened to her. There's a feeling of helplessness and guilt that wants to convince me I could have acted sooner, but I know the outcome would have still been the same. We found out that she died as a result of her feline leukemia finally manifesting its fatal symptoms.

I am thankful we were able to give her a home for the years that we had her and honored that God would have entrusted us to take care of her. I will miss her dearly with many fond memories, smiles, laughter, purrs, and tears.

taking a stab at poetry

2005-12-20T14:51:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure you can actually consider this poetry. It's pretty random and it certainly doesn't rhyme. Just something that came out exactly like this -

Lost

She opens her eyes to another day
Feeling like she’ll be alright this time
She gets out of bed, makes her way through her routine
Hopeful of what the hours to come will bring

She steps out the door into brilliant sunlight
A song in her heart and a smile on her face

The drive to work is both blessing and curse
She enjoys time alone with the Lord and the music
But it doesn’t take long for her heart to be distracted
And soon she’s yelling at drivers and her own temper

She makes it safely to work in one piece
And thankfully, so does everyone else

She turns the key and the engine is quiet
And she sighs because it happens this way every time
And it already feels as if another day is lost
She cries out once again,
“God is there still enough grace for me today?”
His Spirit reminds her of His words and their truth
So with renewed hope, into the rest of her day she goes

What remains of the day is a mystery to her
But because of His words to her, she will not give up
Of God’s grace and love, she knows she’s assured
And because of Him, she knows all is most certainly not lost

pc definition of sin

2005-12-19T08:48:00.000-08:00

Ok - can you tell I'm a little bored? (Yes, I have time to be bored. I think it's the no kids thing I've got going on. Ahhhh, but those days are almost at an end, too.) I'm listening to a politically correct version of O, Holy Night on the Glenn Beck show and the p.c. definition of sin is - "goodness-challenged activity."

Interesting. :-)

Don't forget my absolute favorite - instead of Jesus, we must now say "holiday infant."

SNL raps Narnia

2005-12-19T08:30:00.000-08:00

OK, this is too funny. If you like SNL humor, and maybe even if you don't know or don't always, you really should check out this video. Kara, Jerry, and I watched SNL this weekend and we couldn't stop laughing. This video is hilarious!

Enjoy! Let me know what you think!

no longer strangers

2005-12-16T15:14:00.000-08:00

There is another song I have been hearing on the radio that has really gripped me. It is called This Man and it is sung by Jeremy Camp.

The whole song is really beautiful, but one line in particular just resonates with me. It simply says,

..... and the veil was torn so we could have this open door....

The first few times I heard it, I was just overwhelmed trying to comphrehend the magnitude of the fact that I have an open door to God through Christ. Then, God reminded me of something that just made it very real to me.

Up until a few years ago, my family (my brother, mom, and dad) and I had had somewhat of a rocky and rough relationship. I'm not going to try to go into details here, but I will tell you that I made some heartbreaking, destructive, and devastating choices almost eight years ago that rocked my family's foundation, faith, and I daresay all the things any of us had ever thought certain to their very core. It was a very dark time God led us through and in the middle of it, I moved to Tulsa.

There were times after I moved out here when I thought I might have to leave and go back home. I don't think I'm way off or that my parents would be offended if I said that there wasn't exactly an "open door" between us. Oh sure, it opened wide on ocassion, but it would also remain only slightly ajar for months at a time as well. I never felt that I would really be altogether welcome if I had to come back home and I began to wonder if a time would ever come when I would feel like I was welcome to come back home even to visit. The time between when I moved out here and when I next saw my mother again was the longest in my entire lifetime - about two or three years.

Over the past eight years, God has certainly been working out His will in our relationship. It's been full of tears, brokenness, hard work, searching for understanding, and a lot of conversations. I can't say exactly when it happened, but I can tell you that it is one of the sweetest miracles I've ever had the joy of experiencing - the miracle of an open door with my parents and beyond that, a mercy and grace from them that I am constantly humbled by.

So, when I hear the line,

..... and the veil was torn so we could have this open door....

I am reminded of those desperate, dark, seeming hopeless times in my relationship with my parents and how God set things right and worked all things out for our good and His glory. And, how that same joy I have over knowing there is an open door with them where I thought there might not be again is only a shadow of the door that is opened to us with God because of His amazing love and Christ's magnificent sacrifice. What an incredible gift of an open door to God through Christ our Savior!

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God. (Ephesians 2:19, KJV)

my brother, the pastry chef artist

2005-12-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

Say hello to my brother, Jonathan. I've been dying to brag a little bit about him and the fact that I am related to this celebrity of El Paso's Greenery Market. You probably can't even guess that we're brother and sister - we don't even look like we came from the same set of genes, do we? Oh well. Let me just share with you some other differences I've noticed over the years. First of all, he got a significantly greater helping of humor than I did. Since I got jipped and my brother got some of what should have been mine, I really have to work at it; I'm sure this will explain a lot to a few great friends of mine! Secondly, when it came to "knowing what we wanted to do with our lives," he had it figured it out in high school, decided exactly where he wanted to go to college, set his goal, and made sure he did the things to get there. Here I am at 27 and just now figuring it out for my life. And if you hadn't noticed, he's got some height on me. I'm about a good foot shorter than he (shortest in my immediate family, actually). He likes to take every chance to remind me that I'm his "little" sister, when in reality, I have almost five years on him! And finally, I would dare to say he's more logical and likely to reason things out. I consider myself more of a dreamer and probably a little "out there." Just a few things that are worth mentioning.

I don't think it ever came as any big surprise that my brother turned out to be a chef of some sort. When we were growing up, he would often take different flavors and blend them together to make some weird drink that he would dare me to try, mix cans of Chef Boyardee with some unusual ingredients and make it something most of us would consider inedible, and really, he just liked to play with his food (and not just when he was little). He made faces in everything (ie hot dogs and ice cream cones) and would make his food "talk" to us - it didn't matter where we were - McDonald's, Olive Garden, or at home. We still joke with my dad about how much it used to annoy him and always have a good laugh remembering my brother's antics.

In high school, my brother attended a votech and started learning the basics about the culinary arts. He not only enjoyed it but he was really good at it. He worked at a couple of restaurants as a sous chef and entered a culinary arts scholarship competition through the Vocational Industrial Clubs of America. He placed first at the state level and then in the top five at the national level. Because of his achievement in this competition, he obtained part of the funding for his college education, which would be at The Culinary Institute of America. He completed two years there and is now a very successful pastry chef in El Paso, Texas.

I know he works very hard, long hours and it's not always easy work, but I can tell he really enjoys what he does. There's no way he would work so hard doing anything else, I think. When I visited my family over the Thanksgiving holiday, we paid a visit to the Greenery Market where he works. I’ve seen his pastry creations before, but for some reason, this time, it struck me how intricate and detailed they are! I was very impressed and proud just to realize how much care goes into the things that he makes. Of course, I got to sample some, too, and let me tell you they are tasty! (Below is just a sampling of all the different things he makes!)

There is a lot more to his story that I’d love to share, but it would take me too long. He has definitely had his moments of despair, depravity, and grace. God has worked out a beautifully redemptive story in his life and everytime I get to visit with him, I think I am most reminded of God’s activeness in our lives. God doesn’t ever take a break and when I look at my brother, I can see how God continues to move and work out His will in our lives as we allow Him to.

So, here’s to my brother, the pastry chef artist, who still amazes me with his energy and humor and still plays with his food! Love you, my big little brother!

the one thing

2005-12-15T07:10:00.000-08:00

God has been teaching me a lot about love - His love, the love Christ has for me, the love I'm supposed to have for Him and for others, how all these loves are connected and what love means for me as a disciple - in how I'm supposed to live it out and what the implications are for the church and the communities God has placed me in. My thoughts about all that God has been showing me will have to wait for another day, but what I can tell you now is that God is answering my prayer. :-) I have been praying that Ephesians 3:17-19, which says -

May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love; and may you be able to feel and understand how long, how wide, how deep, and how high His love really is; and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God Himself. (The Living Bible)

will become a reality in my life, in the church, in our community, and the world.

And, I can see where He's answering the prayer in my life and giving me a fresh perspective on not only His love, but how to love others. I admit that God's love is not always one of the easiest things for me to accept or comprehend. I've struggled at times with the reality of His love and just how strong it really is. When I begin to doubt His love, I just feel like the man whose son was healed of an evil spirit in Mark 9 and cry out in desperation, "I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!"

I heard a song this morning that reminded me of the incredible love of God. My mom first told me about this song a few months before Thanksgiving. I listened for it on my favorite radio station, but never heard it. Then, the very morning we drove into El Paso to visit my parents at Thanksgiving, literally minutes from their house (I think the song ended as we pulled into the driveway), the song that I had never heard played on a radio station in El Paso. And even though I didn't know all the lyrics, the one phrase my mom had said to listen for was, "You really love me like You say You do." :-) It's a song by Paul Colman called The One Thing. I can really relate to it because I know I've questioned a lot of things in my life, but God always reminds me that His love is constant, unchanging, unwavering, bigger than my mind will ever be able to comprehend, strong enough and big enough to cover all of my failures, and will never end. (I know most of those words all mean the same thing, but oh well.) I continue to pray that the words in Ephesians will become a reality in all our lives.

Paul Colman, The One Thing

Here I am
In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
It's valley's and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here
Oh that brought me here

I've questioned my reasons
The life I'm living
I've questioned my ability
To judge wrong from right
I've questioned all the things
that I've ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind

But the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Yea the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me Hold me
So Hold me

Well I've questioned my significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I'm doing really matter at all?
Well I've questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?

But the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Yea the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me Hold me
So Hold me

Only one thing doesn't change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains

But the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Yea the one thing I don't question is You
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me Hold me
So Hold me

times they are a'changing

2005-12-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

Well, changes have come and are coming to the triple-J-household! For those of you thinking we might be getting a new addition to our happy little home, you're right, but not in the way you're thinking. :-)

I don't even really know where to begin with this post. I've debated and struggled over whether I should even put all of this out here and why I want to - if my motivation is in the right place. I've finally decided to just put this out here and let it be. I'm such an overanalyzer. Lord, please forgive me of my overanalyzing!

To begin with, one of our vehicles bit the bullet last week. Right in time for the first snow of the season. Really, I'm not that upset or concerned about it - yet. I'm glad that my husband is not driving that truck anymore - he was having to fill it up with so much water/radiator fluid everyday just to get to work because it was overheating (in below freezing temperatures!) and so it was good to finally hear what the problem was and just face the inevitable. As you can imagine, my husband and I are carpooling it until we can afford to get another vehicle. It's not going too bad but the early mornings will eventually catch up with us, I'm sure.

This event, in turn, has cemented the cancellation of plans we had to visit my husband's family in California in January. Just kinda hard to save for a car and take a holiday trip at the same time. :-) This is pretty disappointing, but not the end of the world.

However, one thing we are going forward with is bringing one of my stepdaughters and her son out here to live with us in January. (Ah! Finally, the new family addition mystery is revealed!) And, we will begin looking for a bigger place than our little two-bedroom apartment so that we will all have some room to live and breathe. And this is where I get a little stuck in my thought process and how to express myself. This is not a big surprise to me - I knew when I married my husband that any of his daughters could come to live with us at any time and that a few of them already have children of their own. I'm definitely not complaining or upset by any means. I would describe my emotions thinking about this forthcoming reality of a new chapter in my life and marriage as ranging the entire gammit. I feel joy and an anticipation of good things that could manifest for this sweet girl and her son because of such a change in her life, which I believe is a positive one. I also feel more than a little anxiety and inadequacy to fully take on the role as guardian, stepmother, stepgrandmother, co-parent and all the responsibilities and commitments it will require of me. Am I adequate for the task before me? In all honesty, probably not. I have never been a mother, so to be first a stepmom to an 18-year-old who is herself a mother to her 2-year-old son is somewhat of a paradox to me. What can I possibly offer this girl? She's already had more experience at being a mother than I have! Yeah, sure, I'm older and supposedly wiser, but am I really? I've changed less diapers in my entire lifetime than she has in the past two years! In all honesty, what I feel already is that I am a fake, wanna-be parent. Instead of having my own children (we haven't really been trying anyway), I am going to try to parent a girl who is already a mother herself? Who am I kidding?

Ok, stop...................

One of my first responses to this is that I want to dare to believe that I can have the kind of courage or bravery to fully embrace this new chapter in my journey, like Peter in the Chronicles, or Ruth or Mary in the Bible. (C, I can't seem to get away from the word brave and it certainly seems it's becoming a resounding theme word in my life, particularly this past year.)

I think at this moment, I absolutely HAVE to believe that God is truly bigger than my circumstances, inadequacy, and anxiety or I will be swallowed whole and consumed by them. He thinks I am capable, knowing that I am going to be on my knees everyday, praying for strength, wisdom, patience, more love, and anything else I missed that all you other real parent friends of mine can remind me of. He believes I am capable because He knows who my heart is most dependent upon, and at this moment, it is the most comfort I have. I know without a doubt I will be clinging to Him for dear life and if I let go, certain disaster is waiting. Will I fail? Yes. Will I always make the right decisions, say the right things, be the right example, and not get angry? No. There are no guarantees as to how my relationship with my stepdaughter and stepgrandson will be or how things will turn out once they're here. However, I am choosing to believe that on the other side of the anxiety, inadequacy, the inevitable failures, and the tension, God is working out something incredibly beautiful for the four of us. It may be years down the road, there may be heartache involved, but I believe it is totally worth it.

On top of all of this, I still believe Christ is leading me back to school. I am continuing to pray for His guidance and timing, realizing that He is shifting my priorities in some pretty big ways and my eagerness to get back to school may need to be restrained until our family moves through an adjustment period. Maybe it doesn't. (Everytime I think of making plans that are more than a month away, I am reminded of the passage in James 4:13-15 that talks about not boasting about tomorrow. I am always reminded that God ultimately decides whether I have a tomorrow on earth and my best laid plans may not get to be carried out. I hope that doesn't sound too morbid.)

I think about all these things and I wonder, why now for all of this? Even though I have a lot of hope, it all just seems a little out of control. Where is the purpose in all of it and are we doing the right things? Is bringing my stepdaughter and her son out here the right thing to do? Will I ever get back to school? When will we be able to afford another car? How long will I be able to come to work with no vehicle - with no way to run errands during my lunch break and dependent on my husband to bring me and pick me up - before I start complaining? Am I capable of not complaining? What will it be like when my stepdaughter and her son arrives? Will we be able to find a bigger place that we can afford? When will we be able to pay a visit to my inlaws? AHHHHHHHH!!!

It's easy for me to be consumed with worry, feelings of insecurity, inadequacy, and insignificance, and helplessness, but I am longing to be consumed so much by Christ that all other feelings and circumstances just pale in comparison to all that He is. I really do believe He has a purpose in mind for all these things that are going on in my life right now, but my actions don't always reflect that belief and I desperately want them to. It's easy to talk a big faith, but when it's put to the test of actions, I just hardly ever measure up. At least in my mind. I pray that Christ will continue to teach me how to live out my faith and bring it to life.

Despite the concerns that have been weighing on my mind as of late, I want to acknowledge my utter dependence on God and the belief that He is in control of it all and the hope of what I can see through my narrow vision of all that He's doing in my life and the lives of those around me. So that when my vision becomes blurred or bleak in the months to come, I can come back to this and remember that I have Hope and that God is, indeed, in control. :-)

to Christmas or holiday?

2005-12-06T15:25:00.000-08:00

I read an interesting news article online today about how A Charlie Brown Christmas almost wasnt. You can read the article here. (I think I've almost got the whole link thing figured out, Kyle!)

I can so vividly remember watching this little cartoon with my family while I was growing up. Although it was a nice story at the time, it seems to mean more to me now. I always feel like I can really relate to Charlie Brown's cry of frustration and maybe desperation -

Isn't there anyone out there who can tell me what Christmas is all about?

and I always get teary-eyed when Linus quotes the story I remember reading out of the Bible every Christmas Eve or Christmas morning PRIOR to opening presents. (Thanks, Mom and Dad for teaching me what the real meaning of Christmas was before Linus did!) I'm reminded and so grateful that year after year, God's words are still the same to me now as they were to a group of frightened shepherds on the night Jesus was born.

I think what first drew me to the article is that I've been hearing so much about the "to Christmas or holiday?" issue. And, when I saw the headline online, my first thought was that they couldn't have gone so far as to not air Charlie Brown this year!? (I know, like the world is going to end or something. You have to understand, Charlie Brown is like an elemental tradition to the holidays for me.) I think it would have put me over the edge with this whole Christmas issue.

My husband and I have talked a little bit about this and I guess I just want to put this out here. Personally, I don't have any problem with companies who want to say Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas and I guess I'm not as concerned as some of my other conservative friends. It makes me sad, yes, and seems a little bit ridiculous to me personally (I mean, it's Christmas; what's so hard about that?) but I will not sign a petition to let the companies know how upset I am as a follower of Christ that they are "taking Christ out of Christmas." Why? Because they can't take Christ out of Christmas or this holiday just because they refuse to acknowledge it. I am not worried about my religious rights as a Christian being infringed upon or denied because I know that in this country, nobody can dictate how I choose to celebrate this holiday. If I want to say Merry Christmas, I have that right, but I don't need to force others to do the same to make it more real to me. I am comforted by the fact that no matter the circumstances around me, I carry the life of Christ within me; no law or person can take that from me.

I am of the mind that instead of fighting with people to make them acknowledge Christmas with their lips, we are called to acknowledge Christ at work in our lives and the lives of those around us by living out our faith in love and calling others to a relationship with the Savior that gives meaning to the Christmas holiday we celebrate, no matter what time of the year it is.

So, Merry Christmas!

when persistence may not be working for ya

2005-12-06T14:35:00.000-08:00

I found this today and laughed so hard! Enjoy, my good friends!

blogging withdrawals

2005-12-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

Well, all the blogging I've wanted to do has not happened. So, I'm warning whoever reads this that once I find a few minutes to catch up a little bit, it's going to be blogging madness! I was hoping to blog while I was out in El Paso with my family and in a higher awareness of gratefulness and the "holiday moment," but it was not to be. As it turned out, we were only there four days and I can't help but cherish every moment with my family because for now, it is the only time I really get to see them. And, I really LOVE them! :-) I'm sure everyone can understand or relate. Anyways....for now, this is about all I can write. I'm missing my blogging right now, but my writing hunger will very soon be satisfied.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

quotes to ponder

2005-11-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

"forget regret or life is yours to miss"

"give in to love or live in fear"

"i'm looking for baggage that goes with mine"

- from the musical-made-movie Rent

Harry Potter mania!

2005-11-18T06:52:00.000-08:00

Last night I had the thrill of sharing in the Harry Potter excitement by attending the midnight showing of the new movie with a great friend and about 900 other crazy fans! I always enjoy going to that first midnight "preview" because you know that the people there are there because they are really BIG fans. They're always an animated and lively crowd - cheering, laughing together, dressing up, and just generally being fans. It was awesome, moving, and more than a little heartbreaking - the best movie yet according to my friend and I. But, man, am I tired! What drives me to do stuff like this? I'm just not that young anymore. 27 suddenly feels so old. So, today I'm living and at work by the grace of God, as well as with the help of a mocha frapp spiked with a shot of espresso and a countdown of the hours until I can get home and retreat to my warm, comfortable, and cozy bed. But, honestly, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.

I have to say that I've been very surprised by my own reaction to these books and the movies. I used to be one of those people who listened lazily to a preacher in a pulpit tell me that Harry Potter was evil and didn't even think to ever pick up one of the books for myself to see if what he said was remotely true. I think I thought that by even touching the books it would impart some evil to me that I didn't already have and that anyone who read them must be evil. In August, right around the time the most recent book was released in bookstores, God and a couple of friends saved me from the error of my ways and I picked up the first book just to see what all the hype could possibly be about. After finishing the first book, I proceeded to read the next four books in a matter of three weeks. I guess the whole "touching the books and becoming evil thing" went out the window pretty quick!

I admit I have become very attached to these fictional characters and I sometimes think that it could really NOT be a good thing for me. I live in the tension of wanting to enjoy the life God has given me and not idolizing the things He's given me to enjoy above Himself. I'm learning and fighting to keep this tension and embrace it rather than running from it. I know that God has spoken to me in many ways through these books as well as the Chronicles of Narnia - about Himself, about myself, about other people, the world, about struggling and perseverance, and about friendship, among many other things. I think the best gift God gave me in these books was the freedom to feel like a child again. Not that I necessarily stopped feeling like a child for any particular reason - it was just something that happened maybe over time. And, in reading both series' of books - Chronicles and Harry Potter, God reawakened a creativity and a passion that I thought I had given up on and cast away. And so in response, I want to know Him more and allow Him to use this creativity and passion for His purposes and dreams for the community he's placed me in as well as the world.

You're probably thinking - all that from a few books? Well, yeah.

So, today I want to thank God for Harry Potter and for reawakening the child in me. And, for my dear, great friend who persuaded me to give the books a chance and for joining me last night at midnight for a most unforgettable Harry Potter moment.

Journey rocks!

2005-11-06T08:18:00.000-08:00

Friday evening I had the tremendous pleasure of listening, dancing, screaming, singing along with, and just generally partying out with Journey, my husband and about 3,000 other fans at the Brady Theatre here in Tulsa! Man, I have to admit that I am pretty biased when it comes to this band (and the fact that I haven't seen too many other rock bands in concert doesn't help either), but I think they certainly know how to rock the house. And, I still have the ringing in my ears and the loss of my voice to prove it!

What really struck me about the concert is that the band never stopped for the entire two or so hours they played - everytime you thought they might take a minute and just talk to you, they started another song and the crowd went crazy on nearly every single one. They sang all the familiar ones and a few of their great new ones. My favorite song is, of course, Don't Stop Believin' and I screamed when I heard Jonathan Cain playing the piano intro. Neal Schon's small guitar solo that is intended to sound like a train coming down the tracks in the first verse gets me every time I hear it.

I love glimpses of heaven and one thing that always makes me think of heaven is the sound of a crowd of people singing the same one song - it just blows my mind! There are many times in the book of Revelation where it says a crowd too numerous to count were singing together the same song to the Lamb. So, every time I hear a crowd of people singing together, it's just beautiful to me and I can't help but think of what heaven will be like, realizing that the size of the crowd is only a shadow of the number of people who will be in heaven. At the concert, there were so many songs you could just hear nearly the entire crowd singing along and it gave me chills. I think it must simply be the unitedness of the crowd all together singing the same words that moves me. I can't wait to see the size of the "crowd" in heaven giving glory in one voice to the Lamb.

Thanks, Journey, for another great evening that I will never forget and for the fans who together brought me a small glimpse into heaven.

drivin' in the country

2005-11-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

I just want and have to say how happy I am that it is fall! The wonderful crisp mornings are beautiful and the afternoons are perfect driving-with-the-windows-down weather! And, for those of you who think you know me, it may surprise you to know that the fall and spring weather both inspire me to get back to my country roots! (Oh wait, I don't really have any!) While driving around lately, I've been switching my radio over to the country station, just getting the twang back in my singing voice, spouting off words that you'd never hear me utter except when I'm singing a country song. It makes me laugh to think of who, as a passenger in my truck, would be in utter shock to see me knowing all the words to some of these country songs! Maybe it will give somebody else a laugh or at least a smile as well.

considered faithful

2005-11-03T06:25:00.000-08:00

Well, I have to admit to whoever will read this that this week has certainly been overwhelming. In the job I do at work, the first and last weeks of the month are extremely busy and can be pretty rough - it's quite often a challenge for me to be positive or faithful to the task. I wish I could explain what I do at my job to help you better understand my frustration, but I've been explaining it to my husband before I was even married to him and he still doesn't quite get it (mind you, we've only known each other 4 years). So, this is part of the "tension" that I often live in and where the testing of my faithfulness is on a nearly daily basis - the tension where I hold in one hand the desire to just "give up" so-to-speak, stay home and admit defeat - that no matter how hard I work the work will always be piled up and it will never change so why try? (the ironic thing about this option is that when this side of my tension wins, the work piles up even more, making the task seem more impossible once I get back to work) and in the other hand, I hold the desire to be faithful to where God has placed me, to be thankful that I have work to do, to approach my work positively, welcoming the challenges and rising to them, to sort of accept the fact that I may never actually get ahead and just get over it, and just to do the best that I can. In my mind and heart, I only grasp at the thought that this should be enough. I'm just not quite there yet. And, as I'm writing this, I'm beginning to realize that God doesn't expect me to think that all those things should be enough. He should be enough! My delight in Him should be so much that all other things I think could possibly satisfy or be enough for me would pale in comparison and therefore lose their power to disappoint or discourage me. Am I way out there or is there some truth to that?

This morning, God revealed Himself to me about this situation in some unexpected and not-so-unexpected ways. First, there is a little "commercial" on T.V. that comes on every morning right about 7:30 and often, I don't pay much attention to it because in my opinion, it always seems sort of cheesy. But, today, the "commercial" was talking about being optimistic - the first thing the guy said was - "Do you see the glass half-full or half-empty? Do you see opportunities or obstacles?" And, my first thought was, "I admit that I see my work as more of an obstacle - I could call it Mount Work With no End. But, why can't I be happy simply knowing that God is with me today and go about what He's given me to do with a sincere optimism and joy?" I left my apartment, resolved to do my best to be positive and reflect more on the fact that God is with me than the seeming impossibility of all my work. God is certainly bigger and more powerful in my life than my work! Then, when I got to work, I pulled out a little book that I have here and it talked to me about faithfulness. Ouch. A double whammy - kind of. I was hoping God hadn't noticed my occasional lack of desire to be faithful in my seemingly horrible job. No such luck. So, I see God saying to me today that he desires for me to be faithful, optimistic, even joyful, and above all else, to recognize that He is enough for me. And I admit that this is one of my biggest struggles right now.

A really great friend recently shared with me the idea of "practicing" in relation to this situation. Yes, I've heard the word before and I know what it means, how to use it in a sentence, and such. But, my friend used it in a context that I had never thought of before. Here are some of the thoughts that I wrote down on October 14 after having lunch with this person -

Practice comes from a desire to master a skill, an attitude, a particular compilation of chords or sounds, whatever you can think of to master. Now, “faking it” or “masquerading” on the other hand indicates a lack of desire to actually master a particular thing and only appear that you have – it is a lie. The biggest difference comes in the desire. With one, there is a distinct amount of desire and effort involved. With the other, there is little or no real desire except to deceive and manipulate. So therefore, the question that must be answered is - Can an attitude be practiced? Can happiness be genuinely practiced while asking in faith for Christ to develop His very own joy within you? My friend seems to think so. I must delve into this idea further.

So, I can see God pursuing me in the midst of my struggles. Thank goodness He hasn't given up on me - He still shows me grace every morning by giving me a new day to try again and learn to persevere, allowing my faith and dependence on Him to grow, and managing to shine a light on my life and the lives of those around me.

a witness

2005-10-27T06:46:00.000-07:00

The American Heritage Dictionary defines the word witness as - to be present at or have personal knowledge of; to take note of; observe; to testify to. I think this is significant when I think about how the following quote relates to our lives.

I don't know how many of you have seen the movie Shall We Dance? Read about it here. My favorite and most redeeming moment in the movie is just this quote that Susan Sarandon's character (Beverly Clark) shares, which to me is very powerful, moving, and true. She simply says -

We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."

I know quite a few of my closest friends are not married, so I don't want to be like I'm holding up marriage as the end-all of being a witness to someone else's life. I think all my friends are different witnesses to my life just as I am to theirs. And, I think that idea of being a witness is an incredible idea - we all are witnesses to at least a handful of lives (I hope) everyday and what do we do with all those opportunities to minister, to be a friend, to share a lunch, to just give a genuine hello and ask a genuine "How are you?", to give a smile or encouraging word, etc....

But, there is something to be said about the fact that I live with my husband, in the same little apartment with three cats - he sees it ALL, even when I don't necessarily want him to. And, because of the vows we made to one another before God and several witnesses, we promised all those things she talks about - to care about everything. I'm very comforted in that someone has promised to come as close to me as any human person can and has allowed me to come close to him as well - to see the all the good, the bad, the ugly, the mundane, to share the excitement, the joy and the sorrow of our lives and to do it for the rest of our lives. My husband and I have become maybe each other's primary earthly witness to our own lives and that is an incredible thought to me! I have to admit that I also ocassionally have the feeling of wanting to hide because I realize that even when nobody else sees, more than likely (though not always), my husband will - and trust me, he sees a lot that noone else ever has and it ain't always pretty!

And, then, if I can take it one step further - I'm ultimately reminded when I think of this quote and travel down the thought process it takes me on that Christ has taken notice of all of us, came close to us and invited us to come close to Him. He is witness to our every thought and is and will be our witness before God of the faith we have and the lives we've lead, whether "good" or "bad." Now, that's something to think about!

Anyways....a very cool quote, I think. I'm really interested to see what anybody out there thinks about it.

Narnia-itis!

2005-10-26T14:07:00.000-07:00

Well, like Ann, I have to admit that I have Narnia-itis! I have read through all but the last two books of the Chronicles and they have been incredible! I never knew I could enjoy or be as moved by books of fantasy as I have been by these ones!

As well as the books themselves, I have recently discovered a CD that is called "Music Inspired by The Chronicles of Narnia - The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" and it has been just as moving as the books! (And, I must say that for a compliation CD, I haven't found too many that are entirely as enjoyable as this one has been for me.) There is one particular song that has begun to really grow on me and the lyrics go like this -

I heard Your song coming over the hill. I know it seemed like the world stood still. You were singing a melody that caught me by surprise. Yeah, it sounded familiar to me like I'd known it all my life.

And, I keep looking down as I move in closer. My heart is racing now with fear and wonder. Could I come back to You, so long on my own. From where I am I know this is not my home.....

You're the One I believe. A king, a friend has always been holding on to me. You're the One and I have seen Your life and death, the endless breath breathing into me. Just the mention of your name and I know, I know I found love. Cause You're the One.

I think the part that strikes me very personally is the part that talks about "a king, a friend has always been holding on to me." I am in awe of Christ's power to be my king and my friend at the same time and also to always keep a hold of me. I know that I may travel far away from Him in my heart, but He will never let me go.

The beginning of the song just reminds me of a specific part of the story - the picture of a song coming over a hill, a song that seems so familiar you feel like you've known it all your life and it catches you by surprise to know that someone else not only knows it but is also the composer, lyricist, and singer all in one. That's just beautiful to me. I love the idea of God singing over us, like in Zephaniah 3:17, where it says -

The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.

These books, while fantasy, have given me a new glimpse of the great romance God has for us. They're wonderful!

work, interrupted

2005-10-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

Today I had lunch with a wonderful, dear friend. She made me yummy lasagna, bread, salad, and a blueberry pie that makes me long for my dear late "Aunt Margie's" big backyard of a blueberry patch in Maine. I'm so glad for days that are so simply beautiful - just good, hard work, lunch and fellowship with a good friend, a fall day to relish in (fall and spring are by far the best driving-with-the-windows-down seasons), a reminder of the gift that life is and a preview of coming attractions.

Thank you, Jesus, for this beautiful day and I mean it from the depths of my lonely-for-home heart.

a new beginning

2005-10-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

As I'm embarking on the beginning of a new chapter in my journey of faith, I thought a way of expressing, sharing, and just generally opening up my life would be an incredible place to start! So, here I am, and it is pretty cool!

I'm in the process of going back to college, and getting to this point of a serious pursuit and a clarity of exactly why and for what purpose I am going back to college is a big deal for me. Christ recently used a great mentor, who probably doesn't even realize that he is, to challenge me to name something - an attitude, a thing, a relationship, etc. - that has defined me or held me back from a fuller relationship with God. I have to admit that, at first, I didn't feel the need or the want to. I honestly felt at that moment, "I can't think of anything right now, so I'll pray about it and think about it later." However, most often Christ has other plans and I couldn't seem to escape the feeling that I shouldn't ignore the challenge being presented to me. I have no doubt that it was He who brought to my mind exactly what has the power to define me and hold me back. It was a painful thing to write it down, but I remember writing it down in small letters and I'm glad I did. Nothing, no matter how big it seems, is bigger than God or His power to accomplish His will in our lives! I'm glad to know I serve a BIG God.

So, in the process of recognizing this small word that has held me hostage in its grip, Christ has loosened its power over my choices and how I live this life I've been given. And, in doing so, I've come to realize that Christ is leading me back to college, which in itself holds many obstacles and a little anxiety for me. But, I'm telling you what, I'm ready for the adventure that I've kept myself from for so long - not only in pursuing college, but just enjoying my life! I can't explain or express how excited I am to be on this journey, with a renewed hope and clarity.

I have that feeling like I can finally catch my breath and come back into the light a little bit..............